Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Seventeen)

Chapter Eleven (continued)

Come again?: “[Mike] grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike.”

Who is Mike again?

More gym class antics: “I somehow managed to hit myself in the head with my racket and clip Mike's shoulder on the same swing.”

Seriously, no one aside from a person with a legitimate physical handicap should be this clumsy.  It’s very worrying.

I know Steph was probably trying to be all “good writer like” and stuff, but I feel she perhaps went a bit overboard with this clumsiness trait. 

The extent of her abilities: “‘You and Cullen, huh?’ Mike asked...

‘That's none of your business, Mike,’ I warned, internally cursing Jessica straight to the fiery pits of Hades.”

You’ll have to excuse me, but it’s kind of easy to lose track of these things in a book like Twilight. 

Has she gained the ability to actually do this yet?  I can’t remember.

Both Edward and Bella seem to sprout new powers about every other page, so for all I know poor unmemorable Jessica might actually be in for a very unpleasant journey.

Bella buffet: "’[Edward] looks at you like... like you're something to eat,’ [Mike] continued, ignoring me.”

Honestly I can’t imagine that Bella has much to worry about.  Somehow I don’t see her as being a very tasty meal.

I picture her flavor as bitter and somehow slimy.

Also, unless Mike actually knows Edward is a vampire, and I was presuming I was supposed to think that Bella is the only one that actually knew that fact, despite the horrific obviousness of the truth, this is a sickeningly convenient line for him to choose. 

I guess I’m supposed to find the wordplay clever?  Or something?

It’s hard to know how Steph thought this choice of words was a good idea, really.

Like a bad comedy sketch: “I was wondering if Edward would be waiting, or if I should meet him at his car. What if his family was there? ... Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?”

For heaven’s sake, really?  You pulled out this old gag?  Yeesh.

You know, it occurs to me that if this story had been marketed as some sort of teen romance parody instead of a serious fictional endeavor I might have had to label it one of the greatest satirical works of all time.

Thank goodness they didn’t go that route, huh?

Foreign language: “Then I realized [the crowd of boys] weren't surrounding the Volvo, they were actually circled around Rosalie's red convertible, unmistakable lust in their eyes.

"Ostentatious," he muttered.

"What kind of car is that?" I asked.

"An M3."

"I don't speak Car and Driver."

Porsche 5 liter drive shaft cylinder Lambo convertible exhaust fifth gear alloy wheels.

I took “Car and Driver” as my language course in college.  I can speak enough to get by.

I don’t like to brag about it.

Give in to the senses: "’When we hunt,’ [Edward] spoke slowly, unwillingly, "we give ourselves over to our senses... govern less with our minds.”

Basically we go totally nuts and kill everything that moves.  It’s pretty simple, really.

Do you want to play a game?: “‘Oh, Bella?’ [Edward] called after me...

‘Yes?’

‘Tomorrow it's my turn.’

‘Your turn to what?’

He smiled wider, flashing his gleaming teeth. "Ask the questions."

What the hell kind of relationship is this?  It’s like a protracted game of truth or dare.  Aren’t people who love each other supposed to be all honest and truthful with each other and crap? 

This extended secrecy between the two of them really isn’t healthy.

It’s almost as if the author needed some sort of artificial plot device for withholding information until she thought the reader should know it but couldn’t come up with anything actually good....

Hmmm.....

Always dreamin’: “I pulled on my brown turtleneck and the inescapable jeans, sighing as I daydreamed of spaghetti straps and shorts.”

This girl really needs to get some better daydreams. 

Answer carefully: “‘So what did you do last night?’ I asked.

[Edward] chuckled. ‘Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions.’

‘Oh, that's right. What do you want to know?’

‘What's your favorite color?’ he asked, his face grave.”

Green.  No, blue!  Ahhhh!

And Bella went flying out of the window of the car and off into the distance for seemingly no reason.

Edward was puzzled.

More warning signs: As if we needed any more reasons to question the healthiness of Bella’s relationship with Edward, he’s now displaying signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder on top of everything else. 

Not only could he turn her into a vampire, not only is he far too controlling, but now he’s interrogating her for every insignificant detail of her boring little life to, I must assume, prepare himself for the role of disturbingly dedicated stalker if she should choose to dump him.

Worse, I’m having to read through this drivel.

Edward has been relentlessly questioning Bella all day at school about music taste, movie preferences, books she liked, even her favorite goddamn gemstone, and taking it all in like a fascinated little child looking at the exasperated face of his parent, who has been trying desperately to answer his endless string of inane questions.

I know I’ve said this before and I’m veering dangerously close to have this question lose its impact due to repetition, but seriously, what in the hell is wrong with this guy?

Continue to Part Eighteen

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Sixteen)

After a number of breaks, both intentional and otherwise, I’m finally back, rested, out of the hospital, and ready to get this blog back on track.  Without further ado:

Chapter Ten (continued)

Lack of coherence: ‘“As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you.’

‘I know,’ he sighed, brooding.”

Either Steph doesn’t know what brooding is or Edward is sulking and being unhappy about something that actually makes him happy, causing some sort of emo-rift in the time-space continuum.  

Or Edward is just being his normal, poorly written, completely baffling, inconsistent self.

Probably that last one.

Troubling signs: You know, if it didn’t happen so often maybe I would be less worried, but I can’t help notice that Edward is displaying what you might call rather clear signs of being a frighteningly fierce control freak.

During their lunchtime conversation, Bella shows only a slight hint of disobeying his all-important will and “his eyes were suddenly fierce” and “he exhaled angrily and looked away”.  

He turns into a pissed-off three-year-old every time he doesn’t get his way.

I’m not exactly an expert on these matters, but this does not look to me like it is sowing the seeds for a healthy relationship.

Sibling rivalry: “As I cast my eyes around the room, I caught the eyes of his sister, Alice, staring at me. The others were looking at Edward.”

What, is she afraid of a little competition?  

Can’t these freaks mind their own business and let their freak of a brother get his freak on with Bella the little emo freak?

That familiar face: "’Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend... to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike, because of bears.’

[Edward] stared at me as if I was missing something very obvious.”

I’m guessing that’s a look he gives you on a fairly regular basis.  

Honestly, I think you might just want to get used to it, Bella.  You certainly don’t seem to be catching on any quicker.  

Mmmm... delicious forest animals: "’Bears?’ I repeated with difficulty.

‘Grizzly is Emmett's favorite.’”

As funny as this line is on its own, it took me a minute to realize that, in addition to being humorous, it also doesn’t make any sense.  

Well, unless grizzly bear blood happens to taste wildly different from black bear blood.  

Come to think of it, for all I know it might.  I think maybe I’ll just try not to think about it too hard.

He murders kitties!: "’So... what's your favorite?’

He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval. ‘Mountain lion.’"

Dude!  That’s an endangered species!  

Edward’s favorite food is an animal dangerously close to being wiped off of the face of the earth by humans, even without the help of slobbering, self-interested vampires.  

Control your appetite, man.

On the other hand, if the mountain lions do disappear we can just blame it on the vampires and erase our own blame.

Hey, everyone needs a good scapegoat.

Mmmm...  scapegoat.  Sounds tasty.

Sick pleasure: "’Early spring is Emmett's favorite bear season — they're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable.’

‘Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear,’ I agreed, nodding.”

There’s just no way around it.  Edward and Bella make one hell of a fucked up couple.  

Weirdos.

Chapter Eleven (finally)

Beautiful nostalgia: “Mr. Banner backed into the room then ... pulling [sic] a tall metal frame on wheels that held a heavy-looking, outdated TV and VCR. A movie day — the lift in the class atmosphere was almost tangible.”

After all the terrible things this book has done to me, it finally gives me something decidedly pleasurable: nostalgia for the good old movie day.  

It didn’t matter how terrifically boring the movie was.  Back in the day, just the sight of an old, busted TV like that made the day instantly better.  Having to take notes on it always sucked, but even that was infinitely better than actually having to listen to the teacher.

Ah, the good old days.

Call the electrician: “And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me...”

He had stuck my finger in the nearby electrical socket when I wasn’t looking.  I guess he thought it would make things easier for him if he just fried me now and got me out of his way.

He’s just wonderful that way.

I couldn’t wait to see his disappointed smirk when he walked into the emergency room and saw that I was still alive.  

He was such a beautiful face when he’s brooding.

*Swoon*

Public service announcement: “A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists. I was losing my mind.”

This, boys and girls, is a perfect example of a classic case of unhealthy obsession.  

Yes, Bella, you are indeed losing your mind.

If you or anyone you know begins to display signs of unhealthy obsession, please call our toll free hotline at 1-800-CRAZYBITCH and one of our trained volunteer staff members will do their best to bring you out of your frighteningly obsessed stupor by slapping you upside the head multiple times until you come out of your daze and realize that you have a serious problem and need to come back down to earth before you throw your life away on some crazy whim.

Act now.  It may not be too late.

Except for Bella.  Clearly she’s a hopeless case at this point.

Don’t be like Bella.  

Job theft: “[Edward] grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.”

Steph is stealing my job away from me.  This isn’t the first time she’s commented on the stupidity of her own character’s reactions within the text of her own story.

I could almost swear she knows how bad her writing really is and is just toying with me.

Poke?: “The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade...”

Poke.  Poke.  Poke.

Come on.  You know you want to.

...

Oh, that kind of touching.  

I see.

Speechless: Okay, seriously, I’m just going to let this last bit of text stand on its own.  I think it may be the worst couple of paragraphs I’ve ever read in my entire life.

No joke.

Read it for yourself, if you dare.  You’ll see what I mean.

“I turned to say goodbye. His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat.

He raised his hand, hesitant, conflict raging in his eyes, and then swiftly brushed the length of my cheekbone with his fingertips. His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm — like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.”

Jesus Christ, Bella!  You’re just leaving him to go to gym class, not seeing leave on a boat to fight in World War II.

Settle down.  Damn.

Queen of the melodrama, this one.

I said I was going to let this one stand on its own didn’t I?

Oh well.

Continue to Part Seventeen

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Fifteen)

Chapter Ten (continued)

Eye count: Number of times the word “eyes” is used in two pages: 9

While this may not sound like a ton on its own, keep in mind that this random sample could be repeated with pretty much any other two pages in the book and you’d get close to the same number, if not higher.

This woman has a truly unhealthy obsession with the eyes.  

Either that or she only learned how to describe emotions in one corny way and is using the trick over and over and over again.

Boy, I wonder which one it could be?

Every time there is a descriptive passage in this book, almost without fail, Steph will bring up the eyes.  

In just three pages, I’ve seen eyes roll, somehow possess a speculative expression, hold someone else’s eyes, glare, be troubled, be both dark and golden at the same time, look piercing, open wide with surprise, forced to keep looking down at a table, trace a pattern on the aforementioned table (that’s two mentions in the very same sentence!), look like liquid topaz (which is, incidentally, an entirely new color in Edward’s eye lineup, I do believe), be penetrating (very different from piercing, used just a page or so before), take on a knowing look, and have a look come into them (can’t get much more specific than that, can you?).

For the love of Pete, lady, I know eyes are the windows into the soul and everything, but, believe it or not, humans do have other features.  It is, in fact, possible to describe a human emotion without using the eyes.

I know it’s hard.  I know.  I feel for you, I really do.  But sometimes challenging yourself really is the best thing to do.

Or, you know, not.

Your call.

Enjoy the silence: “I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.”

I’m seriously beginning to question the integrity of Edward’s intentions here. 

For a guy who supposedly just confessed a couple of paragraphs ago that he feels as strongly toward Bella as she feels toward him (something that I think might be physically impossible, as an aside) he sure still gets irritated at her quickly.  

This guy has absolutely nothing in the way of patience or compassion.  At the slightest hint of hesitance he’s instantly irritated and scowling.

This is someone you’ve confessed to having romantic interest in.  You’re waiting for her to explain her intimate thoughts and insecurities about why she doesn’t feel that her feelings are truly being reciprocated.  Have a little patience, man!

He must have one serious case of road rage.

Truly bewildering: “‘Well, look at me,’ I said... ‘I'm absolutely ordinary... And look at you.’ I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.”

Does this bewildering perfection include his unhealthy obsession, cold, dispassionate nature, and clearly abusive tendencies?

Because if it does, then it says a lot about Bella’s taste in men.

Bewilderment continued: “[Edward’s] brow creased angrily for a moment, then smoothed as his eyes took on a knowing look.”

So on top of continuing his clear display of being dangerously quick-to-anger, Edward also shows us with one knowing look of the eyes (whatever that is, exactly) that he’s unfathomably arrogant as well.

Quite a catch, this blood-drinker is.  

He represents pretty much everything that horrible stereotypes say woman are obsessed with but that woman continually deny is true and insist that they really do pay attention to the nice guys and that’s all just a myth.

Way to spill your gender’s secret, Steph.  It’s going to be awfully hard to keep pretending that woman actually like the “nice guy” when a series like Twilight is selling millions upon millions of copies to women everywhere.

Losing control: “...I just really wanted to watch your face," [Edward] chuckled, I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn't so fascinating.”

Oh Lord, get ahold of yourself woman!

Also: really bad grammar.  The copy editor must have taken a day off when this one came across his desk.

Actually, he probably read a couple pages and shot himself.

A healthy fear: [After a long diatribe about why Bella wants to drive during their trip together, which is no longer to Seattle, by the way, but instead to some mysterious place of Edward’s choosing that’s sure to be perfectly harmless and fun.] 

“‘And also, because your driving frightens me.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.’”

Yes she does, and you damn well better leave her alone about it because it is the one and only rational reaction this poor girl has toward your crazy, obsessive self and if you manage to snuff that out too then there’s just no hope left for her at all.

There’s no hope left for her anyway, is there?

*Sigh*

Note to Bella: "’Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?’"

Pssst!  Bella!  He’s trying to figure out whether he can get away with boning you.

Just so you know.

On second thought, he might also be trying to eat you.  I’m not really sure yet.

Pssst again: Edward: "’But if you don't want to be... alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself.’”

He’s still trying to bone you.  

Continue to Part Sixteen

A Different Perspective on Twilight

After writing nine days of Dreamcast articles in such quick succession, I rather need to take a break from significant writing chores this weekend.  Rest assured, however, that Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss will return in fine form next week.  

I'll even try to make up for the long wait you've had between articles somehow....

Other, non Dreamcast or Twilight stuff will surely come as well.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd pass this highly enjoyable link along.  It is a review of the Twilight movie from a perspective that, you might say, is not quite that of its target audience.

Kind of like my own take on it, come to think of it.

I don't know whether it's healthy for a writer/blogger such as myself to link to an article that is potentially much more humorous than his own, but I'm going to do it because this is just so damn funny.  I'm going to have to work very hard to even come close to this level of entertainment if I ever get as far as reviewing the movie.

Enjoy.

A Man's Perspective on Twilight

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Fourteen)

Chapter Ten (continued)

We rejoin our giggling schoolgirls as they discuss just how awesome Edward's face is. I know, completely unprecedented.

Chameleon face: "'I mean, do you really like him?' [Jessica] urged.
'Yes,' I said again, blushing.
She'd had enough with the single syllable answers. 'How much do you like him?'
'Too much,' I whispered back. 'More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that.' I sighed, one blush blending into the next."

Steph's version of the human anatomy continues to surprise me. Through her I find out that not only can a face produce two completely separate, distinguishable blushes, but also has the ability to blend the two together into one... MegaBlush, if you will.

I didn't even think you could accurately tell when you were blushing, much less control them and put on a little light show in your cheeks for everyone watching.

Very impressive, Bella.

Over-analyzation: "'In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night,' I told [Jessica].
... 'Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!'
We spent the rest of the walk dissecting sentence structures and most of Spanish on a minute description of Mike's facial expressions."

How sad is it that after all of the needless, plodding conversations I've been dragged through in this book that sounded as if they came straight out of an eleven-year-old's first diary, that this is what I consider an impressive display of brevity in Twilight?

I'm happy when she sees fit to describe the gag-worthy, sleep-inducing material rather than show me every last bit of it.

I hesitate to call it an improvement, but what other word is there that describes something that is less painful, but still decidedly terrible?

Very Zeus-like: "But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me."

I don't really remember seeing "look like a Greek god" in the Bill of Rights, but perhaps I just missed something.

It has been a while since I've looked it over.

An overprotective nature?: "[Edward] led the way into the [lunch] line, still not speaking, though his eyes returned to my face every few seconds, their expression speculative."

Is she still there?

Oh, okay.

Is she still there??

Oh, okay.

Is she still there???

Oh, okay.

OH MY GOD SHE'S NOT THERE ANYMORE! WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO?

Oh wait, there she is.

Battle of the emotions, round 27: "It seemed to me that irritation was winning out over amusement as the dominant emotion in his face."

In the right corner, standing next to the earlobe, it's Irritation. He's had a long road here, folks, but he's ready for action now. Look at those bulging muscles, built up over time from the impulsive clenching and flexing and tensing that comes with being terribly annoyed. I certainly know the feeling, folks. This emotion's going to be a tough one to beat.

But if anyone can do it, it's Amusement. Indeed ladies and gentlemen, he may not look like much, but his lean frame and gangly build allow him to be as evasive as Edward answering a question. His constant, annoying half-smirk is enough to drive most of his opponents into madness. It's best not to look directly into his face.

We're just about ready to start this fight ladies and gentlemen. It should be a good one.

But wait! Who do we have here? Coming in unexpectedly from the general area of the nose, it's Utter Boredom! His derisive sneer and massive yawn have bested every other emotion in his division! Has this just turned into a three way fight for Edward's face? I believe it has, and I've never seen anything quite like it.

This is going to be one hell of a fight folks.

Contextualization is key: "'If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?' [Edward] asked condescendingly.
I wrinkled my nose. 'I did once… on a dare,' I admitted. 'It wasn't so bad.'"

This quote is vastly more amusing out of context, isn't it? Take my word for it. Just bask in the weirdness and don't worry about it what the hell they're actually talking about.

It's not important anyway.

In full agreement: "The mention of Jessica brought a hint of [Edward's] former irritation back to his features."

For once I can say without even the slightest hesitation that I agree with Edward completely.

I don't expect that will happen too often.

From the garbage bin to printed page: "His voice was husky, and he glanced up from under his lashes with troubled eyes."

Oh, eew. Eeeeeeeew.

I'll be damned if this doesn't sound like it was pulled straight out of a Harlequin novel, and in the worst possible way.

Not that the caliber of her writing is typically much above that level anyway....

Taking creepy to a new level: "'... I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking.'
'You did,' [Edward] agreed, but his voice was still rough. 'You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything.'"

Boy, you're moving this relationship along rather fast, aren't you?

Edward sounds like the perfect guy to date if you've always wanted to know what it would be like to date Big Brother from Nineteen Eighty-Four.

I mean, wow. There are just so many wonderful adjectives you can throw at that statement. Abusive. Creepy. Controlling. Creepy. Greedy. Creepy. Selfish. Creepy.

Creepy.

I have no words: "'You're doing it again,' I muttered.
[Edward's] eyes opened wide with surprise. 'What?'
'Dazzling me,' I admitted, trying to concentrate as I looked back at him.
'Oh.' He frowned.
'It's not your fault,' I sighed. 'You can't help it.'"

...

...

Oh. My. God.

See, I had been led to believe this whole time that Edward was the creepy one.

I believe I might have been mistaken.

Final thoughts: I’ve heard from outside sources that Edward and Bella’s relationship is sort of an abusive, unhealthy one, and boy is that ever beginning to become startlingly obvious in this chapter.

Both characters are turning into obsessive freak shows. Bella’s fixation with Edward is clearly not normal, for starters. And Edward is showing distinct signs of being a controlling, constantly irritated, angry, abusive partner.

This is not going anywhere good.

Continue to Part Fifteen