Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Thirteen)

Chapter Ten (continued)

Total freak-out: ”Under the shelter of the cafeteria roof's overhang, Jessica was waiting, her eyes about to bug out of their sockets.”

“You’re, like, walking into school all with Edward and stuff? What the hell, girl? Haven’t you been paying attention? He’s like, a total freak-fest. What’s wrong with you?”

“Are you two up to... you know... stuff?”

“Wait, bad mental picture. Eew. Ewewewewewew. Never mind. Don’t wanna know.”

“Don’t talk to me again. You’re both total weirdos.”

Great potential: “‘Good morning, Jessica,’ Edward said politely. It wasn't really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.”

You have not even yet begun to see what Edward’s eyes are capable of.

I’ve seen it for myself.

Some things you just can’t un-see. Take my word for it.

Get away while you still can. Before the true power of his eyes is unleashed upon us all.

Communication: “[Jessica] gave me a meaningful look, and I suppressed a sigh. What on earth was I going to tell her [referring to Bella + Edward walking into school together]?”

How about, “I think he’s gorgeous, he has golden eyes, and despite the fact that he’s an abusive creep (or quite possibly because of it) I want to screw his brains out for no particularly rational reason.”

Wouldn’t that just about cover it?

Pardon my snickering: “I tried to keep my expression very innocent.”

Hahaha. Haha. Ha. You. Innocent. Hahaha. That’s good.

Oh, you’re serious.

...

Overreaction much?: “[Edward] paused to catch a stray lock of hair that was escaping the twist on my neck and wound it back into place. My heart spluttered hyperactively.”

I think Bella should really see a cardiologist. I don’t think that kind of thing is normal.

Better than the alternatives: “One side of his mouth pulled up into my favorite uneven smile.”

It’s much better than his other three uneven smiles. Those suck. This particular uneven smile is much better.

After the above cheesy smile-a-thon: “I couldn't catch my breath soon enough to respond to that remark. He turned and walked away.”

1. Blech.

2. What a prick. Edward’s trying so hard to be mysterious that it would be really funny if weren’t so terrifically sad that it’s working so well.

I’d take notes, but if Bella’s the type of girl that this act works on, I don’t think I want to have anything to do with this particular technique.

Slang are go: “‘[Jessica] said she had a really good time,’ I assured [Mike].
‘She did?’ he said eagerly.
‘Most definitely.’”

Totally. She was radically amped about the bodacious night you had. She’d love to go back out for some choice grindage at her fave joint. Maybe some ‘za and brew. She said she was sorry for having to motor. Her brother went to a righteously happen'en party, but the burn out hotboxed his van and couldn’t even make it home. Gag me out the door. Total wastoid.

Goth power, activate!: “...the day was still dark with low, oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.”

There really is no hope for this girl to live a normal life, is there?

Well, maybe if she becomes a meteorologist....

Hyperactive: “When I walked into Trig Jessica was sitting in the back row, nearly bouncing off her seat in agitation.”

Must *boing* gossip *boing* with *boing* Bella *boing* or *boing* I’ll *boing* go *boing* crazy *boing* oh *boing* wait *boing* it *boing* might *boing* be *boing* too *boing* late *boing* for *boing* that *boing* damn.

...

*boing*

Where’s the remote?: “‘Tell me everything!’ she [Jessica] commanded before I was in the seat.”

This is the part where I tune out for a page or so.

I foresee much unnecessary reiteration.

Call me crazy.

This is just weird: “‘You should have seen the waitress flirting with him — it was over the top. But he didn't pay any attention to her at all.’ Let him make what he could of that.”

Here, we see Bella essentially having a conversation with Edward through Jessica. We are led to believe that Edward is listening in on their talk with his freaky mind powers, and Bella is tailoring her statements accordingly.

She’s talking with Edward through her conversation with another person, rather than just being more forthcoming and honest with him.

This event is disturbing on a number of levels. This plot and this relationship are both screwy.

A tiny slip: “‘I don't know how you're brave enough to be alone with him,’ [Jessica] breathed.

“Oh, I don’t know, I’ve always kind of wanted to be a vampi...”

“Oops. Wasn’t supposed to say that, was I?”

“...”

“Yeah, he’s totally a vampire.”

“Yeah, I know you’re listening, Edward. Yes I told her. What are you going to do, bite me?”

Also: For heaven’s sake, please, please, please stop using stupid verbs instead of “said”. It’s way beyond annoying. You can’t breathe a damn word. You speak it. Jessica “said”. She said it. Saying. Speaking. Not breathing.

Gah.

Speechless: Jessica: “‘[Edward is] so… intimidating. I wouldn't know what to say to him.’”

“Oh, mostly awkward things that don’t really mean anything in particular but hint strongly at a frighteningly animalistic attraction that’s going to cause me to do some truly scary things later in the story. I mean... my life.”

A tad vague: “She made a face...”

This is what Jessica does after saying the line above. She makes a face. Steph doesn’t tell us what kind of face. She doesn’t tell us how she makes it. She doesn’t tell use anything about the face.

Jessica just makes some sort of face.

You know... a face. Like that one you make when expressing things.

Truth or fiction?: “‘Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.’ Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws.”

What, you mean this isn’t the way things actually work? Beauty doesn’t conquer all? Women aren’t all vapid, image-obsessed freaks?

I love how Steph decides now would be a good time to pretend this book cares about anything other than looks. Who is she trying to fool here?

Don’t make me count the number of times you’ve described his damn face. Because I will.

No I won’t.

But you know I’m right.

Delving into the deep depths: “‘I can't explain it right… but he's even more unbelievable behind the face.’”

Tonight on VH1: Behind the Face.

We take a look at the deep characterization, the many facets, the countless layers of Edward Cull...

Oooo, look at those eyes. Those are some damn gorgeous eyes. That man’s got a pretty, pretty face.

Oh, umm... check your local listings.

Continue to Part Fourteen

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Twelve)

Chapter Nine (continued)

Clumsy/hilarious: “‘You were going to fight them?’ This upset him. ‘Didn't you think about running?’
‘I fall down a lot when I run,’ I admitted."

Best. Excuse. Ever.

A true first: “We were in front of Charlie's house. The lights were on, my truck in its place, everything utterly normal. It was like waking from a dream.”

I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life full of consuming stories that I have really and truly wished for the “wake up from a dream” ending.

???: "’Bella? ... Will you promise me something? ... Don't go into the woods alone."

What is this, Friday the 13th?

Not that I don’t wish it were. This book could really use some more needless death.

...Especially Bella’s.

Predictions of the predictable future: “This [not going into the woods], at least, was an easy promise to honor.”

Well, I know where Bella’s going in the very near future by herself.

You just mark my words.

Unintended consequences: “I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.”

I stood there for a moment, a lustful smile creeping onto my face, then collapsed on the ground in an uncomfortable heap.

I don’t remember much from the trip to the hospital.

They said Edward had panicked and dumped me on the sidewalk in front of Charlie’s house. Luckily Charile was up that night doing something particularly boring as normal and heard the commotion. He was the one that actually took me to the hospital and saved my life and stuff.

I still don’t like him.

I only wish I could have been there to see Edward abandon me. I’m sure his eyes looked dreamy and half-worried as he quickly dumped me on the ground and ran away, every step a picture of grace.

The whole post-date cardiac arrest thing did get the rest of the school gossiping for quite a while though. Don’t those stupid hicks know that’s a perfectly normal reaction to being obsessively infatuated with Edward?

Sheesh. Bunch of weirdos.

Minty fresh: “‘Sleep well,’ he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me.”

Dude, get a breath mint! What the hell man? I was all into you too and you had to go and ruin it with your stinky breath.

Seriously though, Bella goes on to say that his breath smelled wonderful because it contained the same scent as his jacket.

WTF?

Whose breath smells the same as their clothing? Does this guy order sides of leather with his animal blood?

What a pair these two make.

A desire to nitpick: “‘Hello?’ I asked breathlessly.”

I really want to nitpick here about the fact that it’s technically impossible to ask anything while lacking the breath required for human speech, but Twilight is hardly the first book I’ve read to use this stupid speech tag so, as much as I want to, I can’t hold it against Steph in particular.

Damn.

Little white lies: Jess: “‘Bella?’
Bella: ‘Hey, Jess, I was just going to call you.’

Well, I was, but then I remembered that I hate you. Then I decided not to.

The cold, it burns: “It wasn't until I was in the shower — the water too hot, burning my skin — that I realized I was freezing.”

A few minutes after finally figuring out that I was cold, I realized that I had forgotten to turn on the cold water in the shower at all and now had third degree burns all over me. I chided myself for being so forgetful. A little while later I decided a few horrified screams of pain might be appropriate, so I let loose.

Self-comfort: “I dressed for bed swiftly and climbed under my quilt, curling into a ball, hugging myself to keep warm.”

Yes Bella, keep telling yourself that the cold is the reason you’re curled into a ball hugging yourself at night, not the fact that you’ve fallen in love with a goddamn vampire and are now totally screwed.

An inside look: “My mind still swirled dizzily, full of images I couldn't understand...”

Now I know what it's like to be a ditz.

ZING!

To recap: “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

See, if you had just said all of this earlier, we could have saved ourselves an entire chapter.

Bella does have quite a talent for obvious restatement, however. She should find a way to put that talent to good use.

Maybe she should try being a writer or something.

Chapter Ten

Inner conflict: “It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.”

This was primarily because that part of me was busy arguing with the part of me that kept trying to insist I shouldn’t be arguing with myself like this.

“It’s not healthy!” she kept saying. “People will think you’re crazy!”

Stupid part of me. What does she know?

Doom and gloom: “It was foggy and dark outside my window, absolutely perfect.”

Freakin’ goth chicks. Weirdos.

Friends in the sky: “Hopefully the rain would hold off until I could find Jessica.”

Luckily I’m fast friends with the rain god, Ishkur, so I can probably pull a favor for this one.

He owes me.

Foggy with fog: “It was unusually foggy; the air was almost smoky with it.”

Smoky with fog? Could you possibly come up with any more redundant of a descriptor than that? Wow. The master of truly creative pose as always, Steph.

I love how the air is “almost” smoky with it. Not quite, but almost. The air was so close to being smoky with fog that you could almost taste it, but alas, it was just plain old foggy.

Contradictory weather: “It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.”

Let me get this straight. The fog is not even to the point where you’d consider it “smoky,” but it’s so thick that you can’t see more than a few feet down the driveway?

Someone’s being a little inconsistent again.

She needs a hotline: “‘Do you want to ride with me today?’ he [Edward] asked.... He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.”

How is Edward the one with mind reading powers, again? Bella is displaying psychic abilities that would make Miss Cleo jealous. She can read Edward’s mind like a book.

A poorly written book, anyway.

Uncanny insight: “I frowned. ‘Do I react badly?’
Edward: ‘No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking.’”

Here, Edward displays a frankly unnerving ability to point out a problem with the book that even Steph didn’t seem to catch on to. Even though Steph wrote Edward’s character....

Hmm....

You’d really think she’d learn from... herself.

Continue to Part Thirteen

Twilight - Journey Into the Abyss (Part Eleven)

Note: Many, many thanks go out to my roommate, Bryan, and his significant other, Anna, for obtaining the wonderful item you see in the above photo for me during a recent trip.  I absolutely adore it.  

Chapter Nine (continued)

Shattered Dreams: All right, so you know those myths about vampires? You know, every single vampire myth ever? The thing that makes a vampire a vampire and not a weird shiny thing with superpowers that just happens to drink blood like an overgrown mosquito?

Yeah, throw all of those out the window. They’re not welcome here.

Creatures of the night? Nope.

Burned by the sun? Nope.

Sleep in coffins? Nope.

Apparently the Twilight breed of “vampires” actually do drink blood, but that is the single solitary thing I can find that ties them even somewhat to the mythical creature that the rest of the world has been featuring in other legends and pieces of fiction for perhaps hundreds of years.

Well, okay, that and a long, possibly immortal life span.

There, I found two things. Are you happy now?

It really is enough to make one wonder why Steph chose vampires for this ridiculous story in the first place. I mean, I’ve heard of taking a familiar concept and reinventing it, but usually when that’s done there’s, oh I don’t know, some sort of reason for it.

Here it seems totally arbitrary. Edward might as well be labelled a superhero or a mutant or something for the random mishmash of various qualities that have been slapped on him. There’s no apparent underlying philosophy behind the vampire reinvention. She just seems to tack on whatever features are most convenient for her sappy story.

Beautiful slumber: “He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. ‘I can't sleep.’

It took me a minute to absorb that. ‘At all?’

‘Never," he said.’”

Well... I sort of can, but only vicariously. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You, uh... you might want to close your windows at night.

Those pesky details: “‘You aren't concerned about my diet?’ he asked sarcastically.

‘Oh,’ I murmured, "that.’”

Yeah, the tiny little part where the boy sitting next to you DRINKS FREAKING BLOOD AND IS A VAMPIRE.

That part.

This should be fun: Now Mr. Golden-Eyed Dreamboat is attempting to explain why, despite all outward appearances, he’s actually still dangerous.

This should be good.

Well, come to think of it, there is the whole part where he’s a schizophrenic, obsessive, psychic, maniac vampire. That might qualify.

Change the game tape, please: “I watched the headlights twist with the curves of the road. They moved too fast; it didn't look real, it looked like a video game.”

They looked like a video game: the most boring video game EVER MADE.

Adventures in improper usage: I’ve heard of being “terribly afraid” before. I’ve even heard of being “wonderfully afraid”.

This distinctly marks the first time, however, that I have heard of being “hideously afraid”.

Being both hideous and afraid I can understand (a condition which our little Bella just might fulfill - ba dum tish), but being “hideously afraid” is a state I’m afraid I just can’t wrap my head around.

No kidding: “...openly, the walls between us gone for once.”

Yeah, in nine long-ass chapters. Tell me about it. I’m just as relieved as you are, Bella.

Place your bets: “I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was

trying to overpower me.”

I’d like to place $10 on grief, please.

Come on, grief! Go grief! Overpower her! You can do it! We’re all counting on you, little guy!

Disturbingly unfunny: [Referring to feeding off of animals instead of humans] “‘But animals aren't enough?’

He paused. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk;

we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke.”

Hahaha.

Haha.

Heh...

...

Ummm....

*Gulp*

Woah: Bella: “‘Why didn't you want to leave?’

Edward: ‘It makes me… anxious… to be away from you.’”

Wow. I knew Edward was a freaky stalker, but that’s way beyond weird.

Whuh?: “His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft.”

LOOK OUT! Edward’s stare gives you a degenerative bone disease! Avoid his gaze at all costs lest you melt into a little puddle of skin on the floor.

And gentle, but intense? Really? Those are, quite literally, two completely opposite states at the same time. I know this dude’s got a lot of powers (including the apparent ability to inflict degenerative diseases by looking at people), but I think this is a bit much even for him.

Snicker: “‘Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't. But I can't go out in the sunlight — at least, not where anyone can see.’”

Awww, does poor little Edward have self confidence problems?

“‘Why?’

‘I'll show you sometime,’ he promised.”

Now this is a moment I really and truly can’t wait for. My sunglasses are at the ready.

You know what they say: “‘Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved.’”

Hey, misery loves company, right? You two would be perfect for each other. Trust me. Go for it.

Role reversal: “‘What are you thinking?’ he asked.”

Hey, isn’t that supposed to be her line? At least, that’s what terrible romantic comedies have told me should be the case.

And terrible romantic comedies are never wrong.

Predictable tears: “‘Are you crying?’ He sounded appalled. ...sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me.”

Damn those traitor tears.

Damn them to hell.

So cute: Man, I can’t tell you how adorable this scene is. Poor Steph is just trying so hard to write a serious scene with lots of building tension and regret and budding romance not to be.

It’s just so cute how hard she tries.

You can’t blame her for lack of effort though, I’ll give her that much. She really is digging deep into shallow pool of emotional depth to try and make this work.

The fact that it doesn’t is not at all surprising, but reading her failure is just so much fun.

Continue to Part Twelve

Yes, I’m a terrible person.