Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Seventeen)

Chapter Eleven (continued)

Come again?: “[Mike] grinned. Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike.”

Who is Mike again?

More gym class antics: “I somehow managed to hit myself in the head with my racket and clip Mike's shoulder on the same swing.”

Seriously, no one aside from a person with a legitimate physical handicap should be this clumsy.  It’s very worrying.

I know Steph was probably trying to be all “good writer like” and stuff, but I feel she perhaps went a bit overboard with this clumsiness trait. 

The extent of her abilities: “‘You and Cullen, huh?’ Mike asked...

‘That's none of your business, Mike,’ I warned, internally cursing Jessica straight to the fiery pits of Hades.”

You’ll have to excuse me, but it’s kind of easy to lose track of these things in a book like Twilight. 

Has she gained the ability to actually do this yet?  I can’t remember.

Both Edward and Bella seem to sprout new powers about every other page, so for all I know poor unmemorable Jessica might actually be in for a very unpleasant journey.

Bella buffet: "’[Edward] looks at you like... like you're something to eat,’ [Mike] continued, ignoring me.”

Honestly I can’t imagine that Bella has much to worry about.  Somehow I don’t see her as being a very tasty meal.

I picture her flavor as bitter and somehow slimy.

Also, unless Mike actually knows Edward is a vampire, and I was presuming I was supposed to think that Bella is the only one that actually knew that fact, despite the horrific obviousness of the truth, this is a sickeningly convenient line for him to choose. 

I guess I’m supposed to find the wordplay clever?  Or something?

It’s hard to know how Steph thought this choice of words was a good idea, really.

Like a bad comedy sketch: “I was wondering if Edward would be waiting, or if I should meet him at his car. What if his family was there? ... Did they know that I knew? Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?”

For heaven’s sake, really?  You pulled out this old gag?  Yeesh.

You know, it occurs to me that if this story had been marketed as some sort of teen romance parody instead of a serious fictional endeavor I might have had to label it one of the greatest satirical works of all time.

Thank goodness they didn’t go that route, huh?

Foreign language: “Then I realized [the crowd of boys] weren't surrounding the Volvo, they were actually circled around Rosalie's red convertible, unmistakable lust in their eyes.

"Ostentatious," he muttered.

"What kind of car is that?" I asked.

"An M3."

"I don't speak Car and Driver."

Porsche 5 liter drive shaft cylinder Lambo convertible exhaust fifth gear alloy wheels.

I took “Car and Driver” as my language course in college.  I can speak enough to get by.

I don’t like to brag about it.

Give in to the senses: "’When we hunt,’ [Edward] spoke slowly, unwillingly, "we give ourselves over to our senses... govern less with our minds.”

Basically we go totally nuts and kill everything that moves.  It’s pretty simple, really.

Do you want to play a game?: “‘Oh, Bella?’ [Edward] called after me...

‘Yes?’

‘Tomorrow it's my turn.’

‘Your turn to what?’

He smiled wider, flashing his gleaming teeth. "Ask the questions."

What the hell kind of relationship is this?  It’s like a protracted game of truth or dare.  Aren’t people who love each other supposed to be all honest and truthful with each other and crap? 

This extended secrecy between the two of them really isn’t healthy.

It’s almost as if the author needed some sort of artificial plot device for withholding information until she thought the reader should know it but couldn’t come up with anything actually good....

Hmmm.....

Always dreamin’: “I pulled on my brown turtleneck and the inescapable jeans, sighing as I daydreamed of spaghetti straps and shorts.”

This girl really needs to get some better daydreams. 

Answer carefully: “‘So what did you do last night?’ I asked.

[Edward] chuckled. ‘Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions.’

‘Oh, that's right. What do you want to know?’

‘What's your favorite color?’ he asked, his face grave.”

Green.  No, blue!  Ahhhh!

And Bella went flying out of the window of the car and off into the distance for seemingly no reason.

Edward was puzzled.

More warning signs: As if we needed any more reasons to question the healthiness of Bella’s relationship with Edward, he’s now displaying signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder on top of everything else. 

Not only could he turn her into a vampire, not only is he far too controlling, but now he’s interrogating her for every insignificant detail of her boring little life to, I must assume, prepare himself for the role of disturbingly dedicated stalker if she should choose to dump him.

Worse, I’m having to read through this drivel.

Edward has been relentlessly questioning Bella all day at school about music taste, movie preferences, books she liked, even her favorite goddamn gemstone, and taking it all in like a fascinated little child looking at the exasperated face of his parent, who has been trying desperately to answer his endless string of inane questions.

I know I’ve said this before and I’m veering dangerously close to have this question lose its impact due to repetition, but seriously, what in the hell is wrong with this guy?

Continue to Part Eighteen

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Fifteen)

Chapter Ten (continued)

Eye count: Number of times the word “eyes” is used in two pages: 9

While this may not sound like a ton on its own, keep in mind that this random sample could be repeated with pretty much any other two pages in the book and you’d get close to the same number, if not higher.

This woman has a truly unhealthy obsession with the eyes.  

Either that or she only learned how to describe emotions in one corny way and is using the trick over and over and over again.

Boy, I wonder which one it could be?

Every time there is a descriptive passage in this book, almost without fail, Steph will bring up the eyes.  

In just three pages, I’ve seen eyes roll, somehow possess a speculative expression, hold someone else’s eyes, glare, be troubled, be both dark and golden at the same time, look piercing, open wide with surprise, forced to keep looking down at a table, trace a pattern on the aforementioned table (that’s two mentions in the very same sentence!), look like liquid topaz (which is, incidentally, an entirely new color in Edward’s eye lineup, I do believe), be penetrating (very different from piercing, used just a page or so before), take on a knowing look, and have a look come into them (can’t get much more specific than that, can you?).

For the love of Pete, lady, I know eyes are the windows into the soul and everything, but, believe it or not, humans do have other features.  It is, in fact, possible to describe a human emotion without using the eyes.

I know it’s hard.  I know.  I feel for you, I really do.  But sometimes challenging yourself really is the best thing to do.

Or, you know, not.

Your call.

Enjoy the silence: “I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.”

I’m seriously beginning to question the integrity of Edward’s intentions here. 

For a guy who supposedly just confessed a couple of paragraphs ago that he feels as strongly toward Bella as she feels toward him (something that I think might be physically impossible, as an aside) he sure still gets irritated at her quickly.  

This guy has absolutely nothing in the way of patience or compassion.  At the slightest hint of hesitance he’s instantly irritated and scowling.

This is someone you’ve confessed to having romantic interest in.  You’re waiting for her to explain her intimate thoughts and insecurities about why she doesn’t feel that her feelings are truly being reciprocated.  Have a little patience, man!

He must have one serious case of road rage.

Truly bewildering: “‘Well, look at me,’ I said... ‘I'm absolutely ordinary... And look at you.’ I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.”

Does this bewildering perfection include his unhealthy obsession, cold, dispassionate nature, and clearly abusive tendencies?

Because if it does, then it says a lot about Bella’s taste in men.

Bewilderment continued: “[Edward’s] brow creased angrily for a moment, then smoothed as his eyes took on a knowing look.”

So on top of continuing his clear display of being dangerously quick-to-anger, Edward also shows us with one knowing look of the eyes (whatever that is, exactly) that he’s unfathomably arrogant as well.

Quite a catch, this blood-drinker is.  

He represents pretty much everything that horrible stereotypes say woman are obsessed with but that woman continually deny is true and insist that they really do pay attention to the nice guys and that’s all just a myth.

Way to spill your gender’s secret, Steph.  It’s going to be awfully hard to keep pretending that woman actually like the “nice guy” when a series like Twilight is selling millions upon millions of copies to women everywhere.

Losing control: “...I just really wanted to watch your face," [Edward] chuckled, I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn't so fascinating.”

Oh Lord, get ahold of yourself woman!

Also: really bad grammar.  The copy editor must have taken a day off when this one came across his desk.

Actually, he probably read a couple pages and shot himself.

A healthy fear: [After a long diatribe about why Bella wants to drive during their trip together, which is no longer to Seattle, by the way, but instead to some mysterious place of Edward’s choosing that’s sure to be perfectly harmless and fun.] 

“‘And also, because your driving frightens me.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.’”

Yes she does, and you damn well better leave her alone about it because it is the one and only rational reaction this poor girl has toward your crazy, obsessive self and if you manage to snuff that out too then there’s just no hope left for her at all.

There’s no hope left for her anyway, is there?

*Sigh*

Note to Bella: "’Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?’"

Pssst!  Bella!  He’s trying to figure out whether he can get away with boning you.

Just so you know.

On second thought, he might also be trying to eat you.  I’m not really sure yet.

Pssst again: Edward: "’But if you don't want to be... alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself.’”

He’s still trying to bone you.  

Continue to Part Sixteen