Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Sixteen)

After a number of breaks, both intentional and otherwise, I’m finally back, rested, out of the hospital, and ready to get this blog back on track.  Without further ado:

Chapter Ten (continued)

Lack of coherence: ‘“As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you.’

‘I know,’ he sighed, brooding.”

Either Steph doesn’t know what brooding is or Edward is sulking and being unhappy about something that actually makes him happy, causing some sort of emo-rift in the time-space continuum.  

Or Edward is just being his normal, poorly written, completely baffling, inconsistent self.

Probably that last one.

Troubling signs: You know, if it didn’t happen so often maybe I would be less worried, but I can’t help notice that Edward is displaying what you might call rather clear signs of being a frighteningly fierce control freak.

During their lunchtime conversation, Bella shows only a slight hint of disobeying his all-important will and “his eyes were suddenly fierce” and “he exhaled angrily and looked away”.  

He turns into a pissed-off three-year-old every time he doesn’t get his way.

I’m not exactly an expert on these matters, but this does not look to me like it is sowing the seeds for a healthy relationship.

Sibling rivalry: “As I cast my eyes around the room, I caught the eyes of his sister, Alice, staring at me. The others were looking at Edward.”

What, is she afraid of a little competition?  

Can’t these freaks mind their own business and let their freak of a brother get his freak on with Bella the little emo freak?

That familiar face: "’Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend... to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike, because of bears.’

[Edward] stared at me as if I was missing something very obvious.”

I’m guessing that’s a look he gives you on a fairly regular basis.  

Honestly, I think you might just want to get used to it, Bella.  You certainly don’t seem to be catching on any quicker.  

Mmmm... delicious forest animals: "’Bears?’ I repeated with difficulty.

‘Grizzly is Emmett's favorite.’”

As funny as this line is on its own, it took me a minute to realize that, in addition to being humorous, it also doesn’t make any sense.  

Well, unless grizzly bear blood happens to taste wildly different from black bear blood.  

Come to think of it, for all I know it might.  I think maybe I’ll just try not to think about it too hard.

He murders kitties!: "’So... what's your favorite?’

He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval. ‘Mountain lion.’"

Dude!  That’s an endangered species!  

Edward’s favorite food is an animal dangerously close to being wiped off of the face of the earth by humans, even without the help of slobbering, self-interested vampires.  

Control your appetite, man.

On the other hand, if the mountain lions do disappear we can just blame it on the vampires and erase our own blame.

Hey, everyone needs a good scapegoat.

Mmmm...  scapegoat.  Sounds tasty.

Sick pleasure: "’Early spring is Emmett's favorite bear season — they're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable.’

‘Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear,’ I agreed, nodding.”

There’s just no way around it.  Edward and Bella make one hell of a fucked up couple.  

Weirdos.

Chapter Eleven (finally)

Beautiful nostalgia: “Mr. Banner backed into the room then ... pulling [sic] a tall metal frame on wheels that held a heavy-looking, outdated TV and VCR. A movie day — the lift in the class atmosphere was almost tangible.”

After all the terrible things this book has done to me, it finally gives me something decidedly pleasurable: nostalgia for the good old movie day.  

It didn’t matter how terrifically boring the movie was.  Back in the day, just the sight of an old, busted TV like that made the day instantly better.  Having to take notes on it always sucked, but even that was infinitely better than actually having to listen to the teacher.

Ah, the good old days.

Call the electrician: “And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me...”

He had stuck my finger in the nearby electrical socket when I wasn’t looking.  I guess he thought it would make things easier for him if he just fried me now and got me out of his way.

He’s just wonderful that way.

I couldn’t wait to see his disappointed smirk when he walked into the emergency room and saw that I was still alive.  

He was such a beautiful face when he’s brooding.

*Swoon*

Public service announcement: “A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists. I was losing my mind.”

This, boys and girls, is a perfect example of a classic case of unhealthy obsession.  

Yes, Bella, you are indeed losing your mind.

If you or anyone you know begins to display signs of unhealthy obsession, please call our toll free hotline at 1-800-CRAZYBITCH and one of our trained volunteer staff members will do their best to bring you out of your frighteningly obsessed stupor by slapping you upside the head multiple times until you come out of your daze and realize that you have a serious problem and need to come back down to earth before you throw your life away on some crazy whim.

Act now.  It may not be too late.

Except for Bella.  Clearly she’s a hopeless case at this point.

Don’t be like Bella.  

Job theft: “[Edward] grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.”

Steph is stealing my job away from me.  This isn’t the first time she’s commented on the stupidity of her own character’s reactions within the text of her own story.

I could almost swear she knows how bad her writing really is and is just toying with me.

Poke?: “The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade...”

Poke.  Poke.  Poke.

Come on.  You know you want to.

...

Oh, that kind of touching.  

I see.

Speechless: Okay, seriously, I’m just going to let this last bit of text stand on its own.  I think it may be the worst couple of paragraphs I’ve ever read in my entire life.

No joke.

Read it for yourself, if you dare.  You’ll see what I mean.

“I turned to say goodbye. His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat.

He raised his hand, hesitant, conflict raging in his eyes, and then swiftly brushed the length of my cheekbone with his fingertips. His skin was as icy as ever, but the trail his fingers left on my skin was alarmingly warm — like I'd been burned, but didn't feel the pain of it yet.”

Jesus Christ, Bella!  You’re just leaving him to go to gym class, not seeing leave on a boat to fight in World War II.

Settle down.  Damn.

Queen of the melodrama, this one.

I said I was going to let this one stand on its own didn’t I?

Oh well.

Continue to Part Seventeen

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Fifteen)

Chapter Ten (continued)

Eye count: Number of times the word “eyes” is used in two pages: 9

While this may not sound like a ton on its own, keep in mind that this random sample could be repeated with pretty much any other two pages in the book and you’d get close to the same number, if not higher.

This woman has a truly unhealthy obsession with the eyes.  

Either that or she only learned how to describe emotions in one corny way and is using the trick over and over and over again.

Boy, I wonder which one it could be?

Every time there is a descriptive passage in this book, almost without fail, Steph will bring up the eyes.  

In just three pages, I’ve seen eyes roll, somehow possess a speculative expression, hold someone else’s eyes, glare, be troubled, be both dark and golden at the same time, look piercing, open wide with surprise, forced to keep looking down at a table, trace a pattern on the aforementioned table (that’s two mentions in the very same sentence!), look like liquid topaz (which is, incidentally, an entirely new color in Edward’s eye lineup, I do believe), be penetrating (very different from piercing, used just a page or so before), take on a knowing look, and have a look come into them (can’t get much more specific than that, can you?).

For the love of Pete, lady, I know eyes are the windows into the soul and everything, but, believe it or not, humans do have other features.  It is, in fact, possible to describe a human emotion without using the eyes.

I know it’s hard.  I know.  I feel for you, I really do.  But sometimes challenging yourself really is the best thing to do.

Or, you know, not.

Your call.

Enjoy the silence: “I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.”

I’m seriously beginning to question the integrity of Edward’s intentions here. 

For a guy who supposedly just confessed a couple of paragraphs ago that he feels as strongly toward Bella as she feels toward him (something that I think might be physically impossible, as an aside) he sure still gets irritated at her quickly.  

This guy has absolutely nothing in the way of patience or compassion.  At the slightest hint of hesitance he’s instantly irritated and scowling.

This is someone you’ve confessed to having romantic interest in.  You’re waiting for her to explain her intimate thoughts and insecurities about why she doesn’t feel that her feelings are truly being reciprocated.  Have a little patience, man!

He must have one serious case of road rage.

Truly bewildering: “‘Well, look at me,’ I said... ‘I'm absolutely ordinary... And look at you.’ I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.”

Does this bewildering perfection include his unhealthy obsession, cold, dispassionate nature, and clearly abusive tendencies?

Because if it does, then it says a lot about Bella’s taste in men.

Bewilderment continued: “[Edward’s] brow creased angrily for a moment, then smoothed as his eyes took on a knowing look.”

So on top of continuing his clear display of being dangerously quick-to-anger, Edward also shows us with one knowing look of the eyes (whatever that is, exactly) that he’s unfathomably arrogant as well.

Quite a catch, this blood-drinker is.  

He represents pretty much everything that horrible stereotypes say woman are obsessed with but that woman continually deny is true and insist that they really do pay attention to the nice guys and that’s all just a myth.

Way to spill your gender’s secret, Steph.  It’s going to be awfully hard to keep pretending that woman actually like the “nice guy” when a series like Twilight is selling millions upon millions of copies to women everywhere.

Losing control: “...I just really wanted to watch your face," [Edward] chuckled, I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn't so fascinating.”

Oh Lord, get ahold of yourself woman!

Also: really bad grammar.  The copy editor must have taken a day off when this one came across his desk.

Actually, he probably read a couple pages and shot himself.

A healthy fear: [After a long diatribe about why Bella wants to drive during their trip together, which is no longer to Seattle, by the way, but instead to some mysterious place of Edward’s choosing that’s sure to be perfectly harmless and fun.] 

“‘And also, because your driving frightens me.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving.’”

Yes she does, and you damn well better leave her alone about it because it is the one and only rational reaction this poor girl has toward your crazy, obsessive self and if you manage to snuff that out too then there’s just no hope left for her at all.

There’s no hope left for her anyway, is there?

*Sigh*

Note to Bella: "’Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?’"

Pssst!  Bella!  He’s trying to figure out whether he can get away with boning you.

Just so you know.

On second thought, he might also be trying to eat you.  I’m not really sure yet.

Pssst again: Edward: "’But if you don't want to be... alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself.’”

He’s still trying to bone you.  

Continue to Part Sixteen

A Different Perspective on Twilight

After writing nine days of Dreamcast articles in such quick succession, I rather need to take a break from significant writing chores this weekend.  Rest assured, however, that Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss will return in fine form next week.  

I'll even try to make up for the long wait you've had between articles somehow....

Other, non Dreamcast or Twilight stuff will surely come as well.

Meanwhile, I thought I'd pass this highly enjoyable link along.  It is a review of the Twilight movie from a perspective that, you might say, is not quite that of its target audience.

Kind of like my own take on it, come to think of it.

I don't know whether it's healthy for a writer/blogger such as myself to link to an article that is potentially much more humorous than his own, but I'm going to do it because this is just so damn funny.  I'm going to have to work very hard to even come close to this level of entertainment if I ever get as far as reviewing the movie.

Enjoy.

A Man's Perspective on Twilight

Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Twelve)

Chapter Nine (continued)

Clumsy/hilarious: “‘You were going to fight them?’ This upset him. ‘Didn't you think about running?’
‘I fall down a lot when I run,’ I admitted."

Best. Excuse. Ever.

A true first: “We were in front of Charlie's house. The lights were on, my truck in its place, everything utterly normal. It was like waking from a dream.”

I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life full of consuming stories that I have really and truly wished for the “wake up from a dream” ending.

???: "’Bella? ... Will you promise me something? ... Don't go into the woods alone."

What is this, Friday the 13th?

Not that I don’t wish it were. This book could really use some more needless death.

...Especially Bella’s.

Predictions of the predictable future: “This [not going into the woods], at least, was an easy promise to honor.”

Well, I know where Bella’s going in the very near future by herself.

You just mark my words.

Unintended consequences: “I turned and he was leaning toward me, his pale, glorious face just inches from mine. My heart stopped beating.”

I stood there for a moment, a lustful smile creeping onto my face, then collapsed on the ground in an uncomfortable heap.

I don’t remember much from the trip to the hospital.

They said Edward had panicked and dumped me on the sidewalk in front of Charlie’s house. Luckily Charile was up that night doing something particularly boring as normal and heard the commotion. He was the one that actually took me to the hospital and saved my life and stuff.

I still don’t like him.

I only wish I could have been there to see Edward abandon me. I’m sure his eyes looked dreamy and half-worried as he quickly dumped me on the ground and ran away, every step a picture of grace.

The whole post-date cardiac arrest thing did get the rest of the school gossiping for quite a while though. Don’t those stupid hicks know that’s a perfectly normal reaction to being obsessively infatuated with Edward?

Sheesh. Bunch of weirdos.

Minty fresh: “‘Sleep well,’ he said. His breath blew in my face, stunning me.”

Dude, get a breath mint! What the hell man? I was all into you too and you had to go and ruin it with your stinky breath.

Seriously though, Bella goes on to say that his breath smelled wonderful because it contained the same scent as his jacket.

WTF?

Whose breath smells the same as their clothing? Does this guy order sides of leather with his animal blood?

What a pair these two make.

A desire to nitpick: “‘Hello?’ I asked breathlessly.”

I really want to nitpick here about the fact that it’s technically impossible to ask anything while lacking the breath required for human speech, but Twilight is hardly the first book I’ve read to use this stupid speech tag so, as much as I want to, I can’t hold it against Steph in particular.

Damn.

Little white lies: Jess: “‘Bella?’
Bella: ‘Hey, Jess, I was just going to call you.’

Well, I was, but then I remembered that I hate you. Then I decided not to.

The cold, it burns: “It wasn't until I was in the shower — the water too hot, burning my skin — that I realized I was freezing.”

A few minutes after finally figuring out that I was cold, I realized that I had forgotten to turn on the cold water in the shower at all and now had third degree burns all over me. I chided myself for being so forgetful. A little while later I decided a few horrified screams of pain might be appropriate, so I let loose.

Self-comfort: “I dressed for bed swiftly and climbed under my quilt, curling into a ball, hugging myself to keep warm.”

Yes Bella, keep telling yourself that the cold is the reason you’re curled into a ball hugging yourself at night, not the fact that you’ve fallen in love with a goddamn vampire and are now totally screwed.

An inside look: “My mind still swirled dizzily, full of images I couldn't understand...”

Now I know what it's like to be a ditz.

ZING!

To recap: “About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

See, if you had just said all of this earlier, we could have saved ourselves an entire chapter.

Bella does have quite a talent for obvious restatement, however. She should find a way to put that talent to good use.

Maybe she should try being a writer or something.

Chapter Ten

Inner conflict: “It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.”

This was primarily because that part of me was busy arguing with the part of me that kept trying to insist I shouldn’t be arguing with myself like this.

“It’s not healthy!” she kept saying. “People will think you’re crazy!”

Stupid part of me. What does she know?

Doom and gloom: “It was foggy and dark outside my window, absolutely perfect.”

Freakin’ goth chicks. Weirdos.

Friends in the sky: “Hopefully the rain would hold off until I could find Jessica.”

Luckily I’m fast friends with the rain god, Ishkur, so I can probably pull a favor for this one.

He owes me.

Foggy with fog: “It was unusually foggy; the air was almost smoky with it.”

Smoky with fog? Could you possibly come up with any more redundant of a descriptor than that? Wow. The master of truly creative pose as always, Steph.

I love how the air is “almost” smoky with it. Not quite, but almost. The air was so close to being smoky with fog that you could almost taste it, but alas, it was just plain old foggy.

Contradictory weather: “It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.”

Let me get this straight. The fog is not even to the point where you’d consider it “smoky,” but it’s so thick that you can’t see more than a few feet down the driveway?

Someone’s being a little inconsistent again.

She needs a hotline: “‘Do you want to ride with me today?’ he [Edward] asked.... He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.”

How is Edward the one with mind reading powers, again? Bella is displaying psychic abilities that would make Miss Cleo jealous. She can read Edward’s mind like a book.

A poorly written book, anyway.

Uncanny insight: “I frowned. ‘Do I react badly?’
Edward: ‘No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking.’”

Here, Edward displays a frankly unnerving ability to point out a problem with the book that even Steph didn’t seem to catch on to. Even though Steph wrote Edward’s character....

Hmm....

You’d really think she’d learn from... herself.

Continue to Part Thirteen

Concentrated Dose of Stupid

I almost can't find the words to introduce this video clip.  This is one of the most concentrated doses of stupid I have ever encountered in my many years on the Internet.

I warn you now, that is not an exaggeration.

Watch it (as long as you're in a place where loud, riotous laughter is perfectly acceptable), take it in, and feel your heart turn cold with sadness while you almost die from laughter at the same time.

Truly, this is an epic level of stupid that we can all hope will never be reached again.

But lo, while it is here, it is joyous.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.