Concentrated Dose of Stupid

I almost can't find the words to introduce this video clip.  This is one of the most concentrated doses of stupid I have ever encountered in my many years on the Internet.

I warn you now, that is not an exaggeration.

Watch it (as long as you're in a place where loud, riotous laughter is perfectly acceptable), take it in, and feel your heart turn cold with sadness while you almost die from laughter at the same time.

Truly, this is an epic level of stupid that we can all hope will never be reached again.

But lo, while it is here, it is joyous.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Mystery of Mortal Kombat

To celebrate my recent purchase of a shiny new Madcatz Street Fighter IV Tournament Edition Fightstick, I began scouring Xbox Live Marketplace for any demos of fighting games I might have missed. There wasn’t too much to be found, honestly, but one I did happen across was Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3.

It was only five dollars!

Ah, what could be better than a bit of old-school nostalgic fun with the wacky cast of Mortal Kombat, right?

So I plugged in my stick and fired up the demo. After only a few minutes, I was left with one question.

How in Raiden’s name did anybody ever like this game?

All the characters play the same. There’s no variety in move sets, aside from a couple of lousy special attacks per character. The movement is slow and plodding.

Oh yeah, and the game has the worst, most frustrating AI in the history of everything ever created by man.

I’ve poured over 40 hours into Street Fighter IV at this point (a small number by hardcore standards, but a lot from my more casual standpoint) and I’ve put nearly 30 into BlazBlue. These are games are different from Mortal Kombat, but surely the 2D fighting game basics I learned in them would translate into at least enough basic knowledge to beat the first character on novice difficulty in arcade mode, right?

Nope.

I’m not ashamed to admit, Kitana handed me my ass over and over and over again as I tried out an assortment of stupid-looking characters trying desperately to get the hang of one of them. Never mind that they all played exactly the same, I thought that surely one of those times I would be able to beat her.

And I did, eventually, through sheer dumb luck. Yay for me. Then I was promptly defeated by enemy number two.

See, the problem with the AI isn’t just its difficulty. Oh, it has plenty of that, don’t get me wrong. But good fighting game AI will make you feel like you’re fighting against another person (at least to as large an extent as possible). Mortal Kombat seems to revel in its cheap, cheating, cheesy AI.

At no point did it come even close to fooling me into thinking I was playing against something smart. I was simply playing against a series of canned responses. Had I spent more time with the game and figured out some of its patterns and learned more good patterns myself I could have gotten farther. But as that would have been the opposite of fun, I did not.

Some deep, dark part of me has a strange fondness for the Mortal Kombat characters. I can’t explain why. I hated all the MK games as kid, too. My next door neighbor used to sucker me into fighting him all the time and continually beat me to a pulp because I had no idea what I was doing and he didn’t bother to tell me. My times with every Mortal Kombat game I’ve ever played have been almost universally negative, with the sole exception of playing the surprisingly decent Shaolin Monks with a friend.

Despite all of this, I still occasionally play an MK game, hoping to find something decent and justify spending more time with these terrible characters I love for some reason, yet it rejects me every time because, well, all of the games are absolutely terrible.

Street Fighter holds up well and is still playable to this day.

Mortal Kombat is a giant pile of crap and always was.

I suppose I was hoping to fire up the Ultimate MK3 demo and find something decently fun enough to relive a couple of memories for a few bucks. Maybe I was even hoping for an experience like I’ve had with Street Fighter IV recently, where I finally discover the game’s hidden secrets and find out why it’s so much fun for so many.

But to have an experience like that, I suppose the game would have to be good.

Even the port of the terrible game was terrible. The menus were basic, amateurish, and ugly and the game had almost no options. I couldn’t even find a way to remap the controls to make them work better with my arcade stick. What arcade fighting game in its right mind, no matter how terrible, doesn’t allow players to easily use an arcade stick? Madness, I say. I know the game was an early example of an XBLA release, but man does it ever show how far we’ve come since the early days.

Well, I can definitely say this: had I bought this Xbox Live Arcade rendition of Ultimate MK3 based on some crazy notion of nostalgia that came from nowhere, it would have been the worst use of $5 I’ve had in quite some time.

Come to think of it, though, I haven’t tried Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe yet.... Maybe that one is better....

iPhone Game Review: Eliss

If you have approximately an infinite amount of patience, Eliss will be one of the most original, unique, and addicting games you can add to your iPhone game library.

If you have anything less than an infinite amount of patience, Eliss will be the most sadistically frustrating game that you ever really, really wanted to like.

Sadly, I fall into the latter camp.

Still, with that said, I would recommend giving the game a try (especially as it seems to be on sale for $0.99 for a short time as of this writing - making this, frustrations aside, an absolute steal). I will now attempt to explain these contradicting emotions of mine.

The actual gameplay in Eliss is remarkably hard to describe. Nothing short of playing it for yourself will really tell you what’s going on (and there is, thankfully, a Lite version so you can try it before you purchase). Stated simply, however, the game is set in a stylized universe where you guide differently colored planets around the screen with your finger. Touching similarly colored planets to one another combines them into a bigger planet, while touching differently colored planets makes you lose health (quickly).

The goal is to match these planets to similarly sized receptacles, called squeesars, in order to form supernovas which make the planets disappear. You must form a certain number of supernovas in order to finish each level. Combining planets to form bigger ones and splitting them apart with a pinching motion is key to matching planet size with that of the squeesars.

The challenge, and I must again stress that there is a lot of it, comes from juggling supernova creation with elements like adding more colors of planets, a faster rate of new planets appearing on the screen, vortexes that pull planets toward them forcing you to hold your planets in place lest you lose them, and black holes that erode your health when planets collide with them.

Upon clicking Eliss’s icon on your iPhone and watching the game start up, you can often hear the game sigh with contempt at having to actually interface with the user. You get the distinct feeling it would rather be hanging on the wall in an art gallery with a pretentious tour guide explaining to eager visitors what statement it makes about humanity.

Eliss makes absolutely no attempt at user friendliness in any aspect of its design. The “how-to” section is almost comically cryptic and useless. There is no sort of tutorial whatsoever, and nothing short of trial and error will introduce you to the game’s concepts. Once you get acclimated, the difficulty curve will kick you to the curb within an alarmingly short number of levels unless you have a truly respectable amount of patience.

As I understand it, an update released before I purchased the game gave it a gentler difficulty curve than it had originally. I don’t even want to fathom what that must have been like.

All that said, if you go into the experience with an open mind and a willingness to put up with the game’s shortcomings and maddening difficulty, you will experience a game unlike anything else you’ve ever played and one that is only possible on the iPhone platform, making it a terrific showcase for what Apple’s device is truly capable of bringing to the gaming scene.

If you can put up with it, that is.

The most striking thing about the game initially is its visuals. They are highly stylized and minimalist, unlike anything else on the App Store (or elsewhere, for that matter). The planets and vortexes and black holes aren’t exactly what you’d call visually stunning, but they’re both pleasing and creative. Coupled with a great, soothing soundtrack (that makes for a suitably ironic backdrop to the absolutely frantic, challenging gameplay) and the presentation is decidedly one of the game’s strengths.

Once you’ve actually managed to figure out what’s going on, however, the thing that will keep you coming back despite the frustration is the multi-touch gameplay. Only eight or so levels in and you’ll be placing your iPhone on a flat stable surface and controlling the game using at least four fingers at once if you want to stand any hope of surviving. You’ll be flicking the planets all over, holding them in place, and trying to keep track of a whole lot at once and it really is absolutely frantic and fun. At least, until you’ve lost for the hundredth time.

It is, yet again, a frighteningly challenging experience, but one that just might keep you coming back because of how truly original it is. Eliss could literally not exist on any other gaming platform to date because of these multi-touch controls, not to mention that its niche nature means commercial failure on any more “mainstream” platform would be all but guaranteed.

The 25 levels included with the game may seem like a low number, but length probably won’t be an issue here as the sheer challenge will keep you occupied for many an hour unless you’re truly skilled. For reference, I got stuck, and hard, on the eighth level after only twenty or thirty minutes of play.

I desperately wish that Eliss were easier because I would love to add it to my list of must have games for iPhone gamers. Its pure originality almost gets it there even now. As it stands though, I simply can’t recommend Eliss to a general audience because the difficulty curve is far too much of a barrier for most.

For the hardcore set, for those that love a challenge, or for those that are simply willing to shell out what is still a relatively small fee (only $3.99 even after it goes back up to its regular price - still a steal) to experience one of the best showpieces of a truly iPhone-exclusive experience, Eliss might still be worth a look.

Despite my harsh criticism of the difficulty, however, I do want to stress that I did keep coming back to the game. The game has a draw, an addictive quality, due to its unique nature that might just hook you even if you’re normally not the challenge-seeking type. So download the Lite version and if it intrigues you at all and you’ve got a few dollars to spare, give it a shot. Even if it’s too hard for you, you’ve at least gotten a taste of the qualities only an iPhone can bring to gaming and you’ve supported a truly unique title while you’re at it.

Out of My League

I make no apologies for the fact that I am a casual fighting game fan with decidedly average skills. I am not terrible, but I am not terrific either. I am constantly attracted to their depth, shiny graphics, and high replayability, however I simply do not have the time or inclination to spend the amount of time necessary to get to the higher levels of play.

Most of the time I am fine with this. It does produce more than the occasional frustration, as fighting games in general (to their detriment, I think) aren’t really built for a person like me. The casual player is an afterthought in the construction of most of these titles.

Still, when I find a fighting game’s mechanics to be fun enough, I will often fight through the punishing difficulty and fight through the complete lack of tutorials or any way to learn how to play the game within the game itself. I have fun with these games on the level that I like to have fun with them, and that’s fine for me. I wish I had more human competition and I wish I were less afraid to go online, lest I get torn to shreds by the type of players that actually like to go online with these games, but I still manage to have fun with them.

Spending the amount of time necessary to pull off some of the insane combos and techniques that the higher level players do would require a level of single-game dedication I don’t give to any genre. Sure I envy players that can do this, but it is a type of envy that is fully aware that my inferiority will be a permanent state of being. I do constantly strive to get better of course, but within the bounds of what is reasonable for someone with my abilities and relatively short attention span.

The more I play them, however, the more I continue to be frustrated with how much this genre seems not to be made for me. I yearn for a fighting game tailored more for a person like myself - with enough depth to satisfy, but with enough accessibility and friendliness that its difficulty is not punishing, its secrets not locked to all but those who put in huge amounts of time. Smash Bros. is one example of something that's at least in the right ballpark, but while that is certainly a fun title, it’s not exactly satisfying on the same level of depth as a true one-on-one fighting game.

These frustrations have only become more and more prominent recently as I have increased the number of fighting games I am spending a lot of time with. Previously, the only title that was able to hook me for long was Soulcalibur - about as close to the approachable fighting game nirvana as it currently gets. As I have written about previously, however, I have now managed to discover the joys of Street Fighter and have recently begun to become quite fond of BlazBlue as well.

Perhaps it is my inexperience talking, but the 2D fighting games seem to share a particular contempt for newcomers. It’s hard to blame them, really, as they must cater to a fan base more hardcore than just about anything else I can think of, but the problem remains.

As much as the genre frustrates me due to its stagnancy, I shall continue my search for those fighting games that manage to hook me. I have had tons of fun lately learning of the addictive qualities of Street Fighter IV and penetrating the weirdness that is every single aspect of BlazBlue.

This has indeed been a terrific period for fighting game fans and I am living proof that the genre’s newfound (and somewhat unexpected) resurgence has served to draw at least a few newcomers into the fray.

I can’t help but wonder, however, if the “member’s only” nature of the fighting game genre as it stands has turned many of those dabblers away. It nearly happened to me, were it not for my stubborn insistence to finally learn what the hell this Street Fighter thing was about.

I’m glad I stuck with it and I’m sure I can’t be the only one who has discovered the joy of fighting games in recent days (or in my case, at least the expanded joys of fighting games, as I’ve been a Soulcalibur addict for years). I hope that someday, sooner would be better than later, a developer realizes that there’s room for middle ground. I fully believe that someone could make a fighting game with enough depth to satisfy those that wished for it while maintaining enough fun (and reasonable difficulty levels) at a lower level of play to satisfy those that merely wish to make an entrance to the scene.

Meanwhile, I'll just continue my struggle to fit in while trying not to throw my controller at the wall too many times.

Lacuna Coil Concert Review - July 6, 2009

Having managed to see Lacuna Coil live three times previously, it was refreshing to finally see them as the headlining act, rather than a support band. With their July 6 performance at the Diamond Ballroom, the first in the North American leg of their headlining tour for their new album, they overtake Rob Zombie as the band I have seen the most times live.

This is not without good reason.

They are a fantastic band to see live. They have a great stage presence and energy and, like all good live performances, it really shows through that these guys love what they’re doing. Considering how heavy Lacuna Coil tends to tour, the fact that they still enjoy it and put on such a good show is pretty remarkable.

Going back to my Rob Zombie reference a minute ago, however, it is worth mentioning that seeing the two bands perform together twice is not the only connection the bands have with one another. They also share a penchant for short set lists.

Having seen Zombie give the same one hour and fifteen minute on-the-dot set three times, I always came away satisfied but wanting more. His concerts are full of enough energy, showmanship, and spectacle that their short length doesn’t come as a great detriment. I always thought that his concerts would mark the low end of the length spectrum for full concerts, however.

Up until now, I was right.

Lacuna Coil performed for barely over one hour. One hour and six or seven minutes, to be precise. I won’t pull any punches here - had I not seen them live three times before, performing many of the same songs, this would have been incredibly disappointing. Even though the ticket price was fairly low, after waiting for three hours through crappy support bands, one hour is just not enough for a headlining act. Period.

Luckily for my own experience anyway, it only came as a minor disappointment because a missing fifteen minutes or so isn’t quite as devastating when you’ve seen them three times prior.

In this light, the fact that the concert was so damn much fun while it lasted presents the concert goer with a dilemma. On the one hand, what’s there was so good that you might not care it was short. On the other hand, it was so good that you would have given anything for just a few more songs to make it that much more fulfilling.

I’ll spare you too much detail about the support bands. Suffice it to say I wish they had gotten out of the way for Lacuna Coil to play much earlier and none of them blew me away like Volbeat did opening for Nightwish at the same venue not too long ago.

Dommin opened and was somewhat unimpressive musically, but at least had decent stage presence and a humble, nice, approachable quality suitable for an opening band.

Kill Hannah was third and, while their music isn’t exactly my style, they impressed me a lot more than I expected them to. They had a great on-stage persona, they seemed like really cool, down to earth guys, and they gave an energetic, enjoyable performance with a few songs that were much catchier than I expected. Not sure I’ll be seeking out their music in studio form, but they were by far the best opener. The green lasers mounted on the ends of their guitars were a nice touch.

Seventh Void was sandwiched in the middle of those two. They sucked, quite frankly. They came off as arrogant and trying way too hard to be cool. Musically they were completely uninteresting to me. Their songs seemed to go on forever and everything ran together into one long blur of uninteresting, mid-paced, generic riffage. The crowd seemed to agree with me, as the place seemed rather subdued and bored when the other two openers actually got decent responses. I even got the feeling a few people might have been there to see Kill Hannah as much as Lacuna Coil.

The Diamond Ballroom itself is a bit of a dump. It’s located in the middle of nowhere, has a gravel parking lot, and what looks to be a large trash pile out back and a discarded, decaying old trailer off to the side of the place.

Still, the venue provides an extremely intimate atmosphere for live performances and the two shows I have seen there (Lacuna Coil and the aforementioned Nightwish show) will easily go down on my short list of favorite concerts.

As an added bonus, their sound seems to be mixed rather well, which is a nice change from damn near every other concert I’ve been too which either had sound level problems or was so loud it was distorted and unpleasant. The Diamond Ballroom certainly keeps it loud, and perhaps uncomfortably so for its size, but the sound is good at least. And as I choose to be a total square and wear earplugs during concerts (I make no apologies for my lameness here, by the way, as it is worlds more comfortable for me, not to mention safer) the volume wasn’t really a concern.

I do think I would have appreciated it if the place wasn’t running more than a full hour behind. Call me crazy, but I consider it a little unprofessional when the advertised time for the doors to open is 6:00 p.m. and I finally get in at 7:15 or so.

I also got the distinct impression that perhaps the concert organizers had tried to pack just a little too much action into such a small tour. Three warm up bands in a venue this size before a one hour set from the headliner just seems a little excessive. The poor roadies were struggling to put one band on stage an hour. There were no fewer than three full sound checks. Lacuna Coil didn’t take the stage until just after 10:00, a full three hours after the advertised start of the show.

I’ll make no secret of the fact that this is probably another reason their short set didn’t bother me so much. By the time everything was finally finished I was so exhausted that being able to go back to my car and actually sit down was like a little gift from heaven. I don’t even think you have to be as horribly out of shape as I am to think that standing on your feet for five hours for a concert, most of that spent waiting for doors to open or bands to get set up, is more than a little tiring.

But, as I said, it was all worth it. Lacuna are a terrific live band and I can’t possibly think of a better place to see them than in an intimate venue such as the Diamond Ballroom. The band was having a great time on stage, the audience was loving it, and Cristina’s voice was there in full force, as impressive as it always is. There was plenty of good crowd interaction and between song banter, but not so much that it slowed things down or got in the way.

As a huge Lacuna Coil fan, I was somewhat disappointed with their most recent album. I thought it was far too repetitive and lacking the creative spark and energy that made their previous releases so memorable. On that note, while new songs did comprise a decent portion of the short set, not only did they not overwhelm the old favorites, but they also work far better live than they do as studio versions. The energy infused into the tracks by the band on stage adds new life to songs that were flat in the studio and the atmosphere of the concert means the repetition is both less noticeable and less important.

Actually, as much as I may have been disappointed with their new album, reflecting on the concert I think it was actually refreshing that they played a good number of the new ones. Perhaps a product of being so short, their set list consisted of nothing I hadn’t seen them do live before outside of the new tracks (and one old slower tune, Entwined, that I will admit to not actually having recognized at the time as I don’t listen to their oldest material much). Not seeing another old favorite or a slightly different lineup other than the bare essential hits they’ve been playing at every concert they’ve given for such a long time is a little disappointing, but hey, don’t fix what isn’t broken. All the songs I had seen them perform before were still as full of energy, excitement, and fun as the other times I’ve seen them, and perhaps even better due to the small venue.

I stand by my assertion that, gripes and all, it is one of the best concerts I have been to. Lacuna Coil is a band tailor-made for a small venue like this and it was fantastic to finally see them in their element in a headlining gig. They seem to be a very down-to-earth group and this really carries over into their shows, even on a larger scale, but especially in such a small venue. It just feels like a bunch of friends getting up on stage and rocking the hell out because that’s what they love to do.

If you ever get the chance to see them, do it. You won’t regret it. I’ve seen them four times and I sure haven’t.

Side Note: Whist at this concert, I was lucky enough to experience first-hand a pretty healthy majority of the variety of concert-goers featured on Cracked.com’s list of 7 Obnoxious Assholes that Show Up at Every Concert.

Set List:

To the Edge
Fragments of Faith
Swamped
I Won’t Tell You
Not Enough
Fragile
Entwined
Closer
Daylight Dancer
I’m not Afraid
Enjoy the Silence

Encore

Heaven’s a Lie
Spellbound
Our Truth