The Painful Truth Behind the Veil of Sonic Nostalgia

It is time that we, as a unified gaming community, tell Sonic to go the hell away. It is time we realized the madness and false assumptions and clouds of delicious nostalgia that have been screwing with our judgement for far too long. It’s time we came to our damn senses and admitted the truth.

The Sonic formula kind of sucks.

I know. It’s hard. But you have to let go. You know this to be the truth.

So many of us have deeply cherished memories of the Sonic games on the Genesis. So many of us have been clamoring for a return to those golden days ever since the blue hedgehog went 3D and multiplatform and started hanging out with that colorful group of annoying animal friends that just wouldn’t leave us alone no matter how many times we insulted their stupid spiky gloves or told them no one wanted to fish in a goddamned Sonic game you stupid fucking purple cat.

Look, before you go throwing things at the screen in blind rage, I’m not saying the Sonic games weren’t good… for their time. That’s the key isn’t it? What was once brilliant simply no longer works in a modern context.

The Sonic franchise represents a bygone era of design concepts that have become annoying, passe, outdated, and generally shunned by game developers with even the slightest bit of sense. It would be one thing if the Sonic games just made us deal with a few outdated concepts here and there. I think we could probably forgive that in the name of nostalgia and a good time. It’s not that simple, sadly. 

See, the Sonic formula is made up almost entirely of game design ideas that have no place on a modern console. The entire design process of these games is pretty much a bunch of developers sitting in a room coming up with as many ways to be complete fucking dicks as they possibly can.

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Review - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (Gyllenhaal edition)

The pool of movies which take their source material from video games is one that is stagnant, tepid, and largely disgusting. Perhaps you could better visualize the general effectiveness of these types of films by picturing said pool green with unknown fungus, smelling of decay and dead things, and perhaps bubbling revoltingly with that little “glop” noise you always hear in movies set in swamps. Throw in a few dead squirrels floating on the surface for good measure if you feel like it.

Video game movies aren’t good, is what I’m trying to say. 

By smashing together two entertainment worlds so different, and so much at odds, films such as these shoot for box office glory but inevitably end up with a mess that ends up pleasing neither movie fans nor game lovers. Whether it’s slavish devotion to the source material, abandonment of the source material, a misguided quest to bring the lowly medium of video games into the “respectable” and clearly superior realm of film, or plain old bad storytelling, these movies are destined to please no one.

And rightfully so. I can’t think of one video game movie that I would call legitimately enjoyable. The only entertainment films like these bring is the kind that comes with a couple of adult beverages and a group of friends to make fun of how terrible they are. A worthy sort of entertainment, sure, but not, I’m guessing, what the writers were hoping for.

Well, except for Dead or Alive, maybe, but that’s a different article.

Against all odds, after much waiting, countless hours of suffering in stuffy movie theaters with sticky floors, and innumerable weekly allowances blown on films that do nothing but tarnish the source material’s good name, one movie might finally have broken the mold. Using a delicate balancing act that weaves conceptual source material with originality, a script that fuses nods to its gaming roots with plenty of accessible Hollywood traditions, and a budget high enough to give the crazy idea a shot at actually working, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time might just be the best adaptation of a video game into a movie yet.

Not that the bar has been set stunningly high, mind you.

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Rob Zombie: Hellbilly Deluxe 2 Special Edition CD/DVD Review

Longing for the past seems to be a common pastime among Rob Zombie fans. There’s a great deal of debate as to whether his recent work is actually any good. Regardless of which side of the fence you fall on, you’ll find something to like in this reissue of Hellbilly Deluxe 2. With the addition of a few new tracks, the tweaking of one that was a bit self-indulgent, and even a little video content, Rob Zombie has moved this a solid step closer to being deserving of its title as a sequel to his most fondly remembered solo album.

“Devil’s Hole Girls and the Big Revolution” begins the festivities, becoming the album’s new opener. It has been a long time indeed since Zombie has sounded more like his old self than on this stunningly aggressive track. It almost sounds out of place on the album as a whole, lacking almost any of the catchy pop influences that have been so prominent in his work of late, but its two newcomer brethren make the fit more comfy. Longtime fans are sure to have a smile on their face with this one.

“Everything is Boring” is sandwiched in the middle of the disc. It sounds right at home next to former Hellbilly Deluxe 2 singles such as “What?” and “Burn”, but has a more abrasive edge that its predecessors lack. The quiet verses make a nice contrast to the relentless energy of the chorus and give the song a comfortable pace. The song brings a pleasing blend of old and new Zombie influences which should hopefully give each camp something to enjoy.

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Alan Wake - The Signal DLC Review

When I heard that Alan Wake was planning to extend its story via downloadable episodes I was skeptical. I’m normally quite receptive to the idea of post-release content, paid or otherwise, but I have found that such content is often lackluster when appended to a story-heavy game.

Mass Effect 2, for instance, is a game I truly adored, but I haven’t bought a single one of its downloadable missions yet because they seem to miss the point somewhat. The grand story and character development are Mass Effect’s strong suit, but the post-release content has been weapon packs, self-contained missions with no lasting impact on the story, and halfhearted character additions to an already too-full roster. 

Fallout 3 had mixed success. Its post-release plans were terrific, trickling content out every so often to keep players coming back to their delightful post-apocalyptic world, but the actual content was hit or miss. Broken Steel and Point Lookout were tremendous additions; The Pitt was above average and fun, but not perfect; and Operation Anchorage was entirely forgettable. I haven’t even played Mothership Zeta because it looks too much like Operation Anchorage in space. 

It’s tough to take a story-driven experience, one that presumably shipped with a satisfying story arc meant to stand on its own, and add to that in any meaningful way with downloadable content. It’s not impossible, but even the best implementations, such as Point Lookout, tend to feel more like tacked-on side stories than legitimate additions to the game universe. This is often fine from a value standpoint. After all, there’s nothing wrong with paying a few bucks to get a little more mileage out of a beloved game. I’ve done it far too many times. It’s just disappointing that no one has figured out a smoother way to handle post-release content and story integration.

That said, there has never been a game in a more perfect position to do things right than Alan Wake. Its haunting story comes to a satisfying conclusion in the game proper but in a way that only a psychological thriller could. Like the best horror stories, it ties up the important arcs of its current story while leaving plenty of mystery open for future exploration. Take into account that the game is already split into convenient “episodes” and you have a tailor-made recipe for post-release content with a meaningful impact. 

It’s almost like they planned it that way or something.

So does it deliver on its promise? Well, there’s good news and bad news.

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Alan Wake Review: A Beautiful Nightmare

I once read an article that said game reviewers should make more of an effort to recognize the innovation of imperfect titles. That, for games that strive to do something new and interesting but fall short of perfection, we should try to highlight what they’ve done right rather than focus on what they did wrong.

There’s something to be said for that philosophy, and Alan Wake is a perfect demonstration of why that is.

Alan Wake is a writer with a rather severe case of writer’s block. He comes to the seemingly sleepy little town of Bright Falls with his wife, Alice, to relax and take his mind off of his worries. Obviously things don’t go quite as planned and soon some evil force has possessed the town and most of the people in it and made off with his wife to boot. Wake must find out what’s going on, battle the dark forces at work, and try to save Alice.

This spooky tale is full of enough atmosphere and intriguing plot twists to keep you on the edge of your seat until the credits roll. It accomplishes this using a compelling blend of familiar elements that come together to form a game unlike any other. The front of the box calls it “a psychological action thriller”, which seems about as apt a description as any. It’s not quite survival-horror in that it’s not usually outright scary, but the heavy focus on atmosphere makes it deserving of a label other than “action”. 

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