Twilight - Journey Into the Abyss (Part Eleven)

Note: Many, many thanks go out to my roommate, Bryan, and his significant other, Anna, for obtaining the wonderful item you see in the above photo for me during a recent trip.  I absolutely adore it.  

Chapter Nine (continued)

Shattered Dreams: All right, so you know those myths about vampires? You know, every single vampire myth ever? The thing that makes a vampire a vampire and not a weird shiny thing with superpowers that just happens to drink blood like an overgrown mosquito?

Yeah, throw all of those out the window. They’re not welcome here.

Creatures of the night? Nope.

Burned by the sun? Nope.

Sleep in coffins? Nope.

Apparently the Twilight breed of “vampires” actually do drink blood, but that is the single solitary thing I can find that ties them even somewhat to the mythical creature that the rest of the world has been featuring in other legends and pieces of fiction for perhaps hundreds of years.

Well, okay, that and a long, possibly immortal life span.

There, I found two things. Are you happy now?

It really is enough to make one wonder why Steph chose vampires for this ridiculous story in the first place. I mean, I’ve heard of taking a familiar concept and reinventing it, but usually when that’s done there’s, oh I don’t know, some sort of reason for it.

Here it seems totally arbitrary. Edward might as well be labelled a superhero or a mutant or something for the random mishmash of various qualities that have been slapped on him. There’s no apparent underlying philosophy behind the vampire reinvention. She just seems to tack on whatever features are most convenient for her sappy story.

Beautiful slumber: “He hesitated for a moment, and a peculiar tone entered his voice. ‘I can't sleep.’

It took me a minute to absorb that. ‘At all?’

‘Never," he said.’”

Well... I sort of can, but only vicariously. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You, uh... you might want to close your windows at night.

Those pesky details: “‘You aren't concerned about my diet?’ he asked sarcastically.

‘Oh,’ I murmured, "that.’”

Yeah, the tiny little part where the boy sitting next to you DRINKS FREAKING BLOOD AND IS A VAMPIRE.

That part.

This should be fun: Now Mr. Golden-Eyed Dreamboat is attempting to explain why, despite all outward appearances, he’s actually still dangerous.

This should be good.

Well, come to think of it, there is the whole part where he’s a schizophrenic, obsessive, psychic, maniac vampire. That might qualify.

Change the game tape, please: “I watched the headlights twist with the curves of the road. They moved too fast; it didn't look real, it looked like a video game.”

They looked like a video game: the most boring video game EVER MADE.

Adventures in improper usage: I’ve heard of being “terribly afraid” before. I’ve even heard of being “wonderfully afraid”.

This distinctly marks the first time, however, that I have heard of being “hideously afraid”.

Being both hideous and afraid I can understand (a condition which our little Bella just might fulfill - ba dum tish), but being “hideously afraid” is a state I’m afraid I just can’t wrap my head around.

No kidding: “...openly, the walls between us gone for once.”

Yeah, in nine long-ass chapters. Tell me about it. I’m just as relieved as you are, Bella.

Place your bets: “I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was

trying to overpower me.”

I’d like to place $10 on grief, please.

Come on, grief! Go grief! Overpower her! You can do it! We’re all counting on you, little guy!

Disturbingly unfunny: [Referring to feeding off of animals instead of humans] “‘But animals aren't enough?’

He paused. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk;

we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke.”

Hahaha.

Haha.

Heh...

...

Ummm....

*Gulp*

Woah: Bella: “‘Why didn't you want to leave?’

Edward: ‘It makes me… anxious… to be away from you.’”

Wow. I knew Edward was a freaky stalker, but that’s way beyond weird.

Whuh?: “His eyes were gentle but intense, and they seemed to be making my bones turn soft.”

LOOK OUT! Edward’s stare gives you a degenerative bone disease! Avoid his gaze at all costs lest you melt into a little puddle of skin on the floor.

And gentle, but intense? Really? Those are, quite literally, two completely opposite states at the same time. I know this dude’s got a lot of powers (including the apparent ability to inflict degenerative diseases by looking at people), but I think this is a bit much even for him.

Snicker: “‘Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't. But I can't go out in the sunlight — at least, not where anyone can see.’”

Awww, does poor little Edward have self confidence problems?

“‘Why?’

‘I'll show you sometime,’ he promised.”

Now this is a moment I really and truly can’t wait for. My sunglasses are at the ready.

You know what they say: “‘Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved.’”

Hey, misery loves company, right? You two would be perfect for each other. Trust me. Go for it.

Role reversal: “‘What are you thinking?’ he asked.”

Hey, isn’t that supposed to be her line? At least, that’s what terrible romantic comedies have told me should be the case.

And terrible romantic comedies are never wrong.

Predictable tears: “‘Are you crying?’ He sounded appalled. ...sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me.”

Damn those traitor tears.

Damn them to hell.

So cute: Man, I can’t tell you how adorable this scene is. Poor Steph is just trying so hard to write a serious scene with lots of building tension and regret and budding romance not to be.

It’s just so cute how hard she tries.

You can’t blame her for lack of effort though, I’ll give her that much. She really is digging deep into shallow pool of emotional depth to try and make this work.

The fact that it doesn’t is not at all surprising, but reading her failure is just so much fun.

Continue to Part Twelve

Yes, I’m a terrible person.