Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Twenty)

Chapter Twelve (continued)

Beware of dryer lint: “‘I promise to try to be safe,’ I recited. ‘I'll do the laundry tonight — that ought to be fraught with peril.’”

Obviously she hasn’t looked in her laundry hamper in a long time. Yeesh. She’s in for a rougher time than she thinks.

Dirty, dirty girl.

Skeleton fetish: “He reached across the table to touch my face, lightly brushing along my cheekbone again.”

Is it just me, or does Steph have a penchant for unsettlingly creepy descriptions of what should be tender moments? 

You stroke someone’s cheek, not their cheekbone. If you’re stroking a cheekbone it’s more likely you’re worried about their eating disorder than trying to cuddle with them.

Joking aside: “Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility.”

In all seriousness, folks, if you know someone who thinks of their relationships in the same terms that Bella does, please, for the love of all that’s holy, get them help. This isn’t healthy. This is obsession, plain and simple. 

I don’t care that it’s popular or dramatic. It’s not right. 

This kind of attitude is what leads to little girls posting suicide messages on Facebook over their first love leaving them. This kind of attitude is what leads to people staying in abusive relationships because it’s the only future they can imagine and he’s really okay inside, I know he is. He may still hit me, but he still loves me. Really. He tells me so all the time.

I’ve spent a whole lot of words making fun of this book, but this is the kind of relationship Steph is selling to everyone who reads this book. 

That’s a worryingly large amount of people, a great number of whom are rather young and impressionable. 

Just entertainment? Maybe. But entertainment can have a larger influence on us that most people like to admit. 

The stupidity of this book is truly dangerous.

Healthy self-realization: “The sound of the truck roaring to life frightened me. I laughed at myself.”

I think even Bella is starting to catch on to how stupid most of her actions are. Even she’s laughing at herself now. 

You’re in good company, Bella. We’re laughing at you too.

No, not with you. At you.

An apt description: “And what was my other choice — to cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him.”

Bella dearest, I do believe you have just described precisely the reason why you should, in fact, cut him out of your life. If your life becomes about one single person, you’ve gone down a dark, dangerous road from which the only return is through a thorn bush of pain and suffering. 

Man, that sounded like something Steph might have written. Yikes.

Contextual humor: “I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.”

This is, quite simply, my favorite out-of-context quote in the entire book so far.

Brilliant.

I will say no more, lest I spoil the moment. Just bask in it for while.

Go ahead. Bask away.

Self-image problems: “I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?”

BECAUSE HE’S A VAMPIRE, YOU MORONIC HALFWIT!

Safe driving 101: “It was surprisingly difficult to concentrate on the road while feeling his gaze on my face.”

How, in the face of your clearly out-of-control obsession with this freak, is your lack of concentration in any way, shape, or form surprising at this point?

You had trouble opening the damn door just few sentences ago because he was the one on the other side of it. 

I’m afraid I must call your bluff here, young miss.

Mysterious horror: “We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.”

I want you to take a wild guess as to what you think this horror might be.

Go on. Guess.

A pack of rival vampires, perhaps? A gang of hungry werewolves? An empty bed that will arouse the temptation to do the horizontal mambo with the one who sparkles in the sunlight?

How about a hike? 

Yup. To our clearly mentally handicapped heroine, a long walk is what constitutes “coming horror”. 

Role reversal: “‘What are you thinking?’ he asked impatiently after a few moments.’”

Isn’t that supposed to be her line? I mean, according to bad sitcoms and standup comics at least. And clearly they wouldn’t lie to me.

The awful truth: “‘Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?’ [Edward] demanded when I ignored him.”

And if she says yes?

Well, if she says yes she’d at least be completely honest for once. That’d be nice.

But truthfully I don’t think it’s Forks that has screwed with her brain.

It’s you, Mr. Vampire. Chew on that.

Groan: “He was too perfect, I realized with a piercing stab of despair.”

See, this is supposed to occur to the writer when conceiving of a character, not be realized by a character. 

Then again, Twilight is nothing if not a glorified Harlequin novel, so the fact that she has the balls to say this out loud in her own book shouldn’t really come as too much of a surprise.

Understanding sigh: “He frowned at me, struggling to understand my tone and expression.”

Man, tell me about it. As a reader I can see right into Bella’s thoughts and I still don’t know what’s up with this girl. Her emotions are all over the damn place and her train of logic is like a hedge maze. 

Good luck with this one, Edward. You’re going to need it. She’s impenetrable. 

Melodrama FTW: “I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.”

Yuck. Just yuck. 

What awful melodramatic schlock. I’ve seen better writing than this in an actual Harlequin novel, which, as I unfortunately keep reminding myself during the writing of these stupid things, I have read before.

I know. Shut up.

There’s pandering to your audience and then there’s just lazy writing. This is the kind of crap that drips out of the writer’s leaky pen while she’s half asleep, dreaming of large piles money. 

Give me a break.

Here comes the shiny: “Edward seemed to take a deep breath, and then he stepped out into the bright glow of the midday sun.”

Awwww, shit. Here we go! The moment we’ve all been waiting for! Edward’s about to bring on the glittery skin and fulfill Bella’s every childhood dream.

Or something.

...

Oops, we’re all out of time. See you soon, dearest readers!