Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Six)

Chapter Five

Notable Quote: “Jessica babbled on and on about her dance plans ... completely unaware of my inattention.”

Oh she’s aware of your inattention. It’s just become such an ever-present specter over every conversation you’ve held with another human being that people just take it for granted now.

Why these poor folk don’t find other, less elitist people to talk to continues to baffle me.

Notable Quote: “It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.”

First off: *gag*

Secondly, this better not be Stephanie Meyer’s idea of foreshadowing, because if it is, I will personally track her down and punch her in the face.

Notable Quote: Edward: “‘I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.’”

Bella has friends? When did this happen?

Variety Please: I know as well as any other writer how tempting lame phrases like “I could feel their stares boring into my back” can be, but seriously Steph, this is the third or fourth time you’ve used some variant on that line in a couple of pages. How fast did you write this shlock, anyway?

Follow-up to Above Quote: “‘I may not give you back, though,’ he said with a wicked glint in his eyes.”

Oh give me a break, is this where this book is going? I’ve read more convincing love dialog in Harlequin novels.

Yes, I’ve read Harlequin novels.

It was for a writing class.

Shut up.

He’s got chameleon eyes: What the hell is wrong with Edward’s eyes? They’re ocher now, apparently. They’ve been at least black, gold, and yellow at varying points, and now they’re ocher which, and I looked this up, is close to gold but a decidedly different shade.

Twilight has spent countless paragraphs now describing what Edward looks like, but I still can’t get a mental picture because most of it is either contradicting previous statements or repeating the same two lines about his eyes or mouth ad nauseam.

I think if one were to make a character sheet listing all of Edward’s traits (as some writers do), it would probably be about half a page long and half of that would be about his damn eyes.

Oh, and there would also be a note at the bottom: “Note to self: just for good measure, include all of the opposites of the traits listed above as well. It’ll make him all mysterious and crap.”

Drop the act: Look, we’re five chapters into the book now. This forced mysticism is getting old. You’re trying way too hard to be secretive here and, frankly, you just come off as looking like kind of an idiot. Not to mention the fact that it’s providing for some of the cheesiest dialog I’ve ever read in a piece of fiction.

We all know what’s going on, Steph. It’s really time you just came out and admitted it.

Or, to be fair, it’s entirely possible that you wrote this section before you had even plotted what was going to happen later and were flying totally blind and just never bothered to fix it. That’ wouldn’t really surprise me either.

Hooked?: They told me in writing classes that you’re supposed to hook the reader from the first chapter, nay, the first page, with something amazing so they can’t put your book down.

I’m no expert on the mind of a young person, but I’m five chapters in and I’ve seen nary a hint of anything that would fit that description.

Is this really what young people these days find captivating? Have they gotten that much more gullible? If this book is any indication, I could fascinate an entire audience of tweens for hours by grabbing one of my old yearbooks and systematically telling them the eye colors of everyone inside.

Hold that thought: Edward’s eyes are gold again. Just thought you’d like to know.

Psychic: “‘No,’ I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, ‘I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?’”

Once again, Stephanie Meyer shows an uncanny ability to turn the reader’s exact frustrations into a line of dialog.

Notable Quote: “I had to look away from the intensity of his stare. I concentrated on unscrewing the lid of my lemonade.”

Aw, the poor dear has to concentrate just to be able to unscrew her lemonade. I feel sorry for her all of a sudden. It certainly explains a lot, though.

Notable Quote: “‘Aren't you hungry?’ [Edward] asked, distracted.”
‘No.’ I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.”

Badum tish!

Nonsensical eyeballs: “His eyes still smoldered at me.”

God, really? What does that even mean?

Indestructible: “He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable.”

Bella casually picked up the pencil she had used to complete her biology homework and forcefully jammed it into Edward’s eye socket.

“Yup,” Bella said, “definitely impenetrable. Just as I thought.”

“Ow,” Edward replied.

Bella, Master of the Obvious: “‘You're dangerous?’ I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words. He was dangerous. He'd been trying to tell me that all along.”

For my readers offended by profanity I offer a preemptive apology.

No shit, really?

Wait, wait, wait: What high school does Bella go to that allows her science class to prick the students’ fingers and take a blood sample as part of an in-class experiment? My high school practically needed permission slips for the teacher to talk to us.

Blood Test - ur doin it wrong: “‘Put a small drop of blood on each of the prongs.’ [The teacher] demonstrated, squeezing Mike's finger till the blood flowed.”

Ummm, yeah, I don’t think blood is supposed to “flow” out of a finger when pricked with a small pin. That’s... something’s wrong there. I hope this guy’s not tenured, because I don’t think he needs to be working there much longer.

Strange Reactions to Fear #3: “I closed my eyes, trying to hear through the ringing in my ears.”

Now fear make’s Bella’s ears ring.

Sure, that makes sense. Why not?

Bad Omen: Now we find out Bella nearly faints at the sight of a tiny drop of blood.

Great. Just great. She’s getting more neurotic by the second and she’s being carried to the nurse’s office for her blood sighting fainting spell by a vampire.

This is going to be a weird book.

Creepy: Edward: “‘Honestly — I've seen corpses with better color.’”

...

I imagine you probably have, Edward.

*Backs away slowly*

Bella, this is what we call a “subtle hint”. Take the vampire’s advice and get away from him.

Before he gets hungry for Bella blood.

Awkward: “‘I smelled the blood,’ I said, wrinkling my nose.
‘People can't smell blood,’ [Edward] contradicted.
‘Well, I can — that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust… and salt.’

What’s unfathomable is how terrifically awkward this conversation is. I don’t even know for sure which one of them is right (I haven’t gotten the opportunity to sniff any blood lately), but based on a tiny bit of research, I think it might be the vampire, which just makes this situation all the weirder.

Just bite her on the neck (or wherever the fruity vampires in this universe bite people) and get it over with, man. Nobody’s going to miss her.

Also: What in the ruddy hell is an unfathomable expression? Another favorite yet totally meaningless phrase of Steph’s.

Notable Quote: “Fainting spells always exhausted me.”

Oh yeah, those bloody fainting spells. Tell me about it. Such a pain.

Woah: After the previously mentioned fainting spell, Edward gets Bella out of gym class and offers to drive her home. When they get to the parking lot and Bella goes for her car to drive home (feeling well enough to do it herself), this is the response from Edward:

“‘Where do you think you're going?’ he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.”

He proceeds to threaten her and basically all but shove her into his car as she contemplates running away just to escape his angry outburst of pushiness.

Truly the attack of the schizophrenic love interest.

What is wrong with this guy? No tact at all.

I think Edward really might be dangerous, and not just because he’s a vampire. Talk about control issues.

Something’s Not Quite Right: “I stood by the car, fuming. It was raining harder now, and I'd never put my hood up, so my hair was dripping down my back.”

Is it the water that’s running down your back or is your hair actually dripping? I think those are two very different things that we should probably get clear. One is perfectly normal, while the way it is phrased above would seem to indicate a serious medical condition.

Run Away from the Creepy Man: Edward and Bella are together in Edward’s car after Edward’s outburst from moments ago. This is a question Edward decides to ask:

“‘How old are you, Bella?’”

You’re an underage girl trapped in a car with someone who just physically forced you to come along with him instead of go home by yourself and then he asks you how old you are while you have no hope of escape.

What would your reaction to this situation be?

If you’re a healthier person than Bella, hopefully to scream and make some attempt, however futile, of running away.

Edward just gets creepier and creepier.

It only gets better: Shortly after Edward’s jailbait check, he asks her whether she thinks he could be scary and follows that up with, “‘Are you frightened of me now?’”

Apparently Bella isn’t, but I sure am.

Farewell: I don’t really have anything more to add this time. This crap is exhausting. I have no more thoughts left. See you next week.

Continue to Part Seven