This is kind of a bite-sized entry (har har), but there’s a reason. A teaser entry, perhaps? Leading into good times for the next entry, you say? Could be, could be. Read, enjoy, and discover for yourselves.
Chapter Nine
A visible warning: “‘One,’ he agreed. His lips pressed together into a cautious line.”
Is it just me, or does Edward’s entire face appear to be sentient? Every time one of his reactions is described, it’s the part of the face that’s reacting, not Edward. His lips are cautious. His eyes are any number of things. His... well, Steph really only mentions lips and eyes, but that still gives me plenty to work with.
I think the reason Edward seems to be so detached is that his facial features have been doing the work for him for so long that he’s just forgotten how to care.
How can lips be cautious? For that matter, what is a cautious line? Is there a bold, daring line with no reservations, just ready to leap into danger at a moment’s notice? How would lips even know the difference between these two lines?
So many questions.
Short-term memory loss: “‘Well… you said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that.’”
Remember the part a few paragraphs ago in the last chapter where you guys were casually joking about the fact that Edward was psychic as if it were completely normal dinner conversation?
No? Oh. Ok then.
Almost psychic: “He almost smiled.”
Look kids! It’s a pristine example of what we writers like to call “sloppy writing”.
See, Bella couldn’t know that Edward almost smiled because, well... Bella isn’t Edward. Almost performing a visible action, but not, is something that can only be known to the person not doing the action. Because, see, thoughts aren’t visible.
Unless of course you happen to be psychic or something. Which Edward is, but Bella is, to my knowledge, not (at least not yet...).
Or unless you happen to be a terrible writer. Then your characters can become momentarily psychic at a moment’s notice, just like in the example above! Yay!
Unclean: “‘Fine, then. I followed your scent.’... I couldn't think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study.”
If you can’t think of an acceptable response, I can:
Take a damn shower. You smell bad.
Oh, and also: Apparently Edward has super smelling abilities now. Dude’s like Superman - powers popping out of nowhere every time he turns around.
Way past humorous: “He looked at me, his eyes enigmatic.”
I’m not going to lie here. I think I’ve run out of ways to make her stupid eye comments funny (well, more so than they already are). The fact that she’s still doing them (to the exclusion of every other possible emotional response) is just becoming more and more sad.
Master of subtlety: “‘Why do you think you can't hear [my thoughts]?’ I asked curiously.
...
‘I don't know,’ he murmured. ‘The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do.’”
That, sir, is a monumental understatement.
Well...: “‘My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?’”
I don’t want to be callous here, so I’m going to try and put this as gently as I can.
Yes.
Just a guess: Quick note here: Edward drives like a complete lunatic. As in, 100 miles-per-hour in the dark lunatic.
I guess he is technically immortal and psychic (and beautiful and cold and distant and weird), but that still seems kind of reckless.
Breaking news: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a dramatic status update to report. We go now to Becky in the field. Becky?
Becky: “Thanks Brendan. It has just been reported from a reliable source that Edward’s eyes are now, in fact, honey. I repeat, Edward has honey eyes. We’ll have more as it develops.”
Thanks Becky. Truly an earth-shaking piece of news.
Alert! Alert!: “‘[Jacob and I] went for a walk ... and he was telling me some old legends — trying to scare me, I think. He told me one…" I hesitated.
"Go on," [Edward] said.
"About vampires."
We have the V-word! We have the V-word! Everyone on full alert! Report to battle stations! Keep on your toes people, this is not a drill. There is a real possibility of actual story development coming our way and we have to be ready. We’ve had nine chapters to prepare for this and we don’t want to screw it up.
Let’s do this.
Maniac at the steering wheel: “He startled me by laughing. I glared up at him. He was laughing, but his eyes were fierce, staring ahead.”
Ummm... yeah, that’s pretty frightening stuff right there. That’s not the way people are supposed to laugh.
That’s the way the scary axe murders in horror movies laugh.
Edward = scary axe murderer?
Hmm....
Down the rabbit hole: “‘You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human!’”
GRAAAGH!!! EDWARD MONSTER!!! EDWARD SMASH ALL TINY PUNY THINGS!!!
A multitude of nothing: “He was silent, staring straight ahead again. His face was bleak and cold.”
So many meaningless, vague adjectives, so little actual emotional depth.
At long, long, long (long) last:
Dear readers,
Dear patient readers,
Dear patient, wonderful readers,
I think, maybe, just maybe, that possibly we might have finally gotten there.
After ten long (long) installments of this silly sarcastic rant of mine, after over nine chapters of this indescribably atrocious book, the moment that I was truly beginning to think would never come has at last been reached.
I can hardly believe it. The words are right there in front of me, but they don’t seem real, somehow.
Bella knows Edward is a vampire.
I know, right? Like, that’s totally all awesome and stuff!
I feel this is an appropriate milestone to end our tenth session of this Journey Into the Abyss, but there are good times ahead, mark my words.
We may have finally, finally reached an important landmark, one promised in the first two sentences on the back of the book but taking over nine chapters to deliver in what has to be the longest unnecessary stalling tactic ever in a piece of fiction, but there is plenty of fun to come.
Oh yes.
Why, just next time, we tackle all those vampire myths the book has conveniently avoided dealing with up to this point. There’s some history. There's some backstory. There’s some relationship development.
And as sure as I am sick of reading this damn book, there’s most certainly some laughs to be had at its expense.
We have not yet even begun our descent into the darknesses of Twilight.
Until we meet again, my fellow travelers.